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Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 8)


When Jean Grey died (one of the times), she was brought back somehow and became Phoenix. I guess Professor X split her mind into a light part and a dark part when they first met. Either she was schizophrenic or had a Jekyll & Hyde thing going. Anyway, now that she’s Phoenix, she can do all the psychic stuff she could before and shoot fireballs. Plus she gets these sweet fire wings.


She’s the only other person with magnetic powers, so I think she’s Magneto’s daughter or wife. But I’ve never heard of her, and I wonder what “Polaris” (the north star) has to do with magnetism. Or the color green. The only thing she’s good for in this game is for when you’re sick of seeing Magneto’s chrome dome.

Power Man

It’s not Luke Cage, it’s “Power Man”, you jive turkey. Okay, maybe that’s racist, but that looks how this guy would talk. And you can’t get more generic than “Power Man”. I’ve seen Jessica Jones, I know how cool this guy is. Luke Cage is a perfectly fine name. And since strength is a non-factor in a Lego game (I’m pretty sure I could lift the entire city of Lego Marvel Manhattan if it were made of real Legos), this makes Power Man less useful than Absorbing Man. Who doesn’t absorb anything. Go hang with Lando Calrissian in Lego Star Wars.

Professor Xavier

This is the bald guy in a wheelchair who’s the X-Men’s leader (this wheelchair version floats via telekinesis, which I imagine would get tiring). I don’t know how good of a leader he is. Seems he’s always dying or absent. And then someone like bland Cyclops or evil Emma Frost has to take over. But his psychic powers are off the charts. Especially when he gets into Cerebro, this big machine that can track all mutants all over the world. Good ideals, but poor execution. Personally, I prefer Patrick Stewart. But I wish we could get James McAvoy’s personality into his body, and that would be the ultimate combination.


I think she has psychic powers too, though I’m not sure what. She has some kind of psychic knife/sword that grows out of her hand, like Soul Reaver. But I’m not even sure if she’s a good guy or bad guy. Seems like she comes from the future, though I doubt it. If I were writing X-Men, I’d give her a stronger presence, because she seems very cool but underutiltized.


Ah, The Punisher. One of my personal favorites. Forget arc reactors and vibranium shields. Forget “with great power comes great responsibility” or “red on my ledger”. The Punisher’s not interested in justice or mercy. He doesn’t even have superpowers. Just a lot of guns. And whiskey. And he doesn’t subscribe to the idea that heroes don’t kill. He knows there’s bad out there, and he’s not going to bother with rehabilitation or “second chances”. When you’ve seen your family killed in front of you, those kinds of things seem less important.


Opposite of Iceman, can throw fireballs. But can’t fly or set himself on fire, which makes him the Chinese pirated version of the Human Torch. But instead of the Fantastic Four, he’s part of the X-Men franchise, under Magneto’s tutelage, I believe (according to the movies at least). His hair is fancy.

Red Hulk

So I guess he’s the opposite of Red Hulk, but I’m not sure who he is really. Wears black pants and has a slightly more faux-hawk hairstyle. When I morphed him back, he became some kind of military man. I think there was a military guy chasing him in the Ang Lee movie. Maybe he becomes the Red Hulk? But how that happened, I have no idea. Since gamma radiation is green, what was he exposed to? Radon? Carbon monoxide? Is that why I have those alarms all over my house. If so, I should turn them off — I wanna turn into a Hulk!

Red Skull

Captain America’s number one bad guy. Also the easiest guy to fight in Marvel: Legendary. I can’t tell if that mask is glued to his face or not. In the movie, it seems to be, but reading his entry in Wikipedia, I couldn’t find the inciting incident where it happened. Guy likes Hitler waaaaay too much, proving even Lego games can’t escape Godwin’s Law. Seems to be one of the bigger bad guys in the Marvel Universe, which makes sense. He’s basically an analog for the squarely-mustached one. As far as I know, there’s no Osama Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein villain, unless that’s The Mandarin.


Why haven’t I heard of this character? Pepper Potts in an Iron Man suit? Heart-shaped mask? Shoots pink laser beams? Yes, please. Get this girl a spin-off. If Gwyneth Paltrow won’t star alongside Robert Downey, Jr. how about we offer her own movie. Eh? Eh, Gwyneth? Gwynnie? Gwynerino?

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

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