marvel logo

Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 6)

Human Torch

Blond guy who can light himself on fire and shoot fireballs. Can also fly because the fire “makes the air around him lighter”. Personality is a lovable smart ass with poofy blonde hair. He’s part of a group called the Fantastic Four, which is a quartet of people who went to space and came back with powers based on the four elements.

Hydra Agent

I think he looks more like an agent for Lizard. Cannon fodder for the evil organization HYDRA, which is, I believe, what Hitler left behind. They are fond of saying “where one head dies, two more grow back”. How they continue to get recruits is beyond me. You gotta be both a cult and a criminal AND a holdover secret society from 1945. And the green bug costumes aren’t doing any favors.


You know I’m not playing. Devastate to show what the turtles are saying. The X-Man who has power over ice and cold. Opposite to Pyro. And Human Torch. And Ghost Rider. He can coat his body in ice and fly, kinda, by creating an “ice slide” he skids up and down, kinda like Frozone.

Invisible Woman

As you can see in this picture, not always invisible. Unrelated to any H.G. Wells fiction, Invisible Woman is married to Stretchy Man (Mr. Fantastic). But she can do more than turn invisible — she can also form forcefields and throw telekinetic strikes.  Unfortunately, she really doesn’t have much of a personality beyond that. She seems like a damsel in distress and she’s rarely appeared in the comic books I’ve read. They always focus on The Thing and Mr. Fantasy Mr. Fantastic. Sorry, Mr. Fantasy is a totally different comic book.

Iron Fist

Wait, didn’t I just do this guy? Oh, no wait, this guy is some sort of karate guru. He must know Super Karate, otherwise he wouldn’t be a superhero. Plus he’s wearing rather villain-y clothing — same color scheme as H.Y.D.R.A., Green Goblin, Polaris, etc.  Unusual to see a chop socky martial artist in a gang of superheroes.

Iron Man

All the Iron Man’s have different abilities and configurations, which makes him basically a superhero Swiss army knife. Heroic Age is the most basic — the ENIAC of Iron Man suits. The Hulkbuster is the most fun. It’s like piloting a mech. And when it comes out, you know there’s going to be a fight of Godzilla proportions. Mark 42 is the most useful–it has lasers for burning, missiles for long-distance, flight, and computer unlocking. Everyone’s favorite.

J. Jonah Jameson

Peter Parker’s boss at the newspaper office. Funkiest hair in the world. Basically the Marvel version of Donald Trump. Wants pictures of Spider-Man.

Jean Grey

Psychic woman who Wolverine may or may not be in love with. Apparently she’s the most desirable woman in the world despite having no personality. She’s also the most psychic, more than Dr. Xavier. This means she can die and come back to life whenever the story wants it.


Giant man with a bowling ball head. I guess when he starts running he can’t be stopped unless he stops himself. Except for some things which are immovable? I’m not really sure. And it’s not because he’s a mutant, but he’s got some sort of alien jewel in his helmet. The only ways I’ve seen him stopped are by Kitty Pryde dragging him through the floor or baiting him into knocking himself out.


A very big fat man who is the acting crime king in the Marvel Universe. I guess that’s all muscle under his suit, not fat. He usually carries around a cane and wears an all-white business suit. He’s mostly the arch-villain of Daredevil, but I’ve seen him fight Spider-Man plenty of times to be in doubt.

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.