The home page for author Eric J. Juneau

Late to the Game: Diablo

diablo logo

So I bought some retro games over the Coronavirus outbreak because my computer is too slow to play anything new (and has been for several years now).

One of them was called Diablo, which passed over my radar when it made its big splash in the nineties. I think I played the shareware version of it (ah, ♪shareware♪) , but never got interested. I wasn’t into PC games then. I had an N64 and the world was my oyster.

This is said oyster.

After playing Dusk I’d realized how much I missed my old Doom and Quake clones, so I bought Heretic and Hexen and some others like Warcraft, Warcraft II, and Diablo. The best thing about retro games is that they’re so cheap. And you don’t notice the bad graphics because you’re old and nostalgic.

When I got to Diablo, I played a little bit and realized it was really fun. I thought it’d be closer to Starcraft–needing strategy and placement rules. But it’s just another rat-in-a-maze hack-and-slash with RPG elements and an isometric view. The movement is wonky, probably because of the perspective, and it’s hard to figure out the mechanics when you start. For some reason you don’t even get a map in town.

It reminded me of Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance. I played the shit out that with my friend on the PS2 and I still haven’t found a decent replication of it anywhere else. We creamed over the piles of gold and monsters and leveling up and swords with names like “Keen Masterwork Broadsword of Frostiness +1”. I didn’t realize it at the time but Baldur’s Gate felt fresh and fun where IT was the clone of Diablo.

But there’s a problem.

Because there are RPG elements, the game does not increase your potency– the amount of damage you can do–until you kill so many baddies. And baddies don’t respawn. So I’m stuck on level 9 and I can’t get past a big clump of bad guys around a corner. Ranged weapons aren’t working (partially because they have them too, partially because they seem to be unaffected). I can’t duck in and out because I have no cover. I can’t bait one to follow me, because they’re in some kind of cage.

So now I’m just stuck. I bought this game and there’s no way to move ahead, short of some time-consuming tactics (i.e. chuck one arrow at a time until the healing potions are used up, make the long trek back to town, buy more, make the long trek back, repeat). There aren’t even cheat codes to let me progress.

I hate the way these old PC games were just too hard because of cheap tricks and ludodissonant advantages. By “ludodissonance” I mean a fireball hits me even though I wasn’t anywhere near it because of the wonky 3-D view. Or I dodged into it because of the wonky movement. Resident Evil had the same problem — you could easily dodge those slow moving zombies, but the tank controls limit your agility, even though no human being moves like that.

Warcraft and Warcraft II were the same way. I wanted to beat them on my own merit, but I got frustrated that my men weren’t doing what I wanted them to do. Either I didn’t click on them right or they decided to fight a different guy or they’re attacking a house and ignoring the orc pounding them or because the path-finding AI is TERRIBLE. Seriously, there’s only nine maps. Couldn’t you playtest this a little better to make they don’t go the long way around the forest and get stuck? It’s like they’re too stupid to know there’s no straight line through the cave wall.

Once a guy built a farm, got stuck in a corner, and I had to kill him to free up my resources

Let’s just put a hundred bad guys together and call it difficulty. Ganged up, they take half my health in three seconds. And then let’s design the game so that you get stronger the more monsters you kill, but then never give you new monsters to kill. Seriously, I’ve killed everyone on each floor — I should be at least able to take enough punches without chugging all eight of my potions.

I’m just gonna play Bioshock 2 again. At least I know A) it works on my PC B) someone put some time into figuring out the level of challenge.

Zelda: You Can’t Save Them All

link zelda sad

I’ve noticed a recurring theme in The Legend of Zelda that I’m not sure anyone else has picked up on. The fantasy genre and the dichotomy around the world of heroics and sword-and-sorcery and fairy tales and the like often uses this trope, but for Zelda, it’s a little unusual.

You can’t save everyone.

More to the point, you aren’t allowed to save everyone. The game won’t let you. It’s teaching you a harsh lesson that not everyone gets a happy ending.

As the games became more complex, it became easier to bake this story point into each plot, be it either a sidequest or a main twist. It might have started all the way back with Mr. Error.

Now, it’s widely believed that it’s a mistranslation, but it’s sort of not. The man’s real name is Erā, which phonetically is “Error”. I believe this is the unfortunate “meaningful” naming of a character that works in Japanese but not so much in English (see also Aeris/Aerith/”Earth”). He was meant to pair with a guy named “Bagu” which is phonetically “Bug”. So we’ve got “Error” and “Bug”, both programmer in-jokes. But Bagu’s name was left untouched. That left poor Error out there, all alone, with a confusing name and no purpose*.

Perhaps this was the impetus for Shigeru Miyamoto to put a character like this into all his games. For the next edition, we have a small side quest character known only as Flute Boy. When you enter the Dark World version of the Haunted Grove, you encounter a humanoid tapir sitting on a stump. (Everyone in the Dark World becomes something that reflects who they were in the Light World — Link is a bunny!) He asks you to find the flute he buried in the Light World. But returning his flute is all for naught. As soon as you give it to him, he says he is “fading” and asks to hear it one last time. After you play it, he becomes a vaguely tapir-shaped tree.

That’s pretty sad for a light-hearted game with cute smiley dwarves, a fat fairy princess, and lumberjacks with buck teeth. The ending shows that the flute boy recovers, but you don’t know that while you’re playing.

This sentimental downturn has been wildly successful because in the next game, Link’s Awakening, you can’t save ANYONE, because everyone is a dream. The only character to make it out alive is the Wind Fish. Everyone else wisps away like so much Thanos snap fodder. This includes one of my favorite characters, Marin, who seems to know her fate, but keeps singing as the world fades around her.

Ocarina of Time follows A Link to the Past. At the end of the first dungeon, the Great Deku Tree tells you that he can’t be saved and grays away. For this, you are kicked out of the Kokiri village. But later on, when you revisit the tree, a Deku Sprout erupts. Telling us that no one ever really dies, because life goes on.

Majora’s Mask follows suit, being the bleakest of the bleak Zelda’s. Your mission is to make sure Termina doesn’t become another Koholint Island, with everyone wiped out. But even so, not all of Majora’s black magic can be erased. When the game ends, the Deku Butler’s son remains as it was when you first encountered him.

And who knows if any of the events you accomplish in the game get erased when you travel through time.

In The Wind Waker, our sacrificial lamb is Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule a.k.a. King of Red Lions a.k.a. the guy whose beard looks like it’s a Roman column. But it’s actually a touching and poignant and significant to the plot. He sacrifices himself so that Hyrule can have a future. It’s an ode to the existing generation making the sacrifice for the young people.

Twilight Princess pulls a kind of bait-and-switch “unrecoverable” moment centered around Zelda. First, you see her surrender when Zant invades her empire, which is rather heart-breaking — Hyrule had never given up before. Then in the middle of the game, Zelda does… something to help an injured Midna can live which makes her disappear. The next time we see her, she’s a zombie in Ganon’s power, and you have to fight her. (But she gets better… once you beat her ass.)

There’s the one sage who’s killed during the “Imprisoning Ganondorf” cutscene, which is a bit distracting. The sages, in this game, are weird monochromatic uniformed entities. They kinda look like techno-angels. But you can’t see, according to the Arbiter’s Grounds, the one with the broken pedestal was the sage of water — Ruto.

At the end of it all, Midna returns to her kingdom, but then destroys the only way to do that — the Mirror of Twilight. Why does she do that? You had a real bond together. Not like Navi or King of Red Lions.

And there’s other scary moments too. What are the Interlopers? Why are they Dark Links? Why is possessed Link screaming? Why does Ilia want to stab me? WTF are those cucco-man things for real? Why does that song in City of the Sky creep me out?

In Skyward Sword, Fi makes a heartfelt goodbye when she is resealed inside the Master Sword and begins a long slumber. Although at this point I was wishing she was slumbering in a bathtub with a toaster. Nonetheless, she is a loss the hero experiences. And maybe Impa and the old woman. I don’t know. Honestly, I almost gave up on Zelda after this game.

Finally, in Breath of the Wild, our big loss is Hyrule itself. And by the end of the game, you may have banished the evil, but the kingdom is still in ruins. When you first saw the Temple of Time ruins, didn’t you have a reaction? Didn’t you feel something when you saw your first human after hours of gameplay? Know that lives were lost at Fort Hateno? Become acutely aware that, although the “wild” is vast and beautiful, it’s missing people? Missing that “lived in” feel?

There’s a little ink spot in each Zelda game. An indication that although this is a game about fighting monsters and saving princesses, not everyone gets a happy ending.

*He does have a purpose, though it’s unrelated to his name. In Mido, someone there says “Ask Error of Ruto about the Palace”. After that, Error tells you how to get to the third dungeon. But who remembers that?

The Books I Read: January – February 2019

bookshelf books
The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo
(unfinished)

Too cutesy, too moralistic, and it kept running on. I felt like nothing important happened. It’s all stuff I’ve seen before in “little animal befriends a human” stories, like The Littles or The Secret World of Arietty or Stuart Little or any other of the various children’s books I’ve read to my offspring.

It’s slow. I was constantly yelling at the book to get on with it. Especially cause the formula was so predictable. I could see it checking off boxes as the narrative went on. Too much set-up, not enough plot.

I couldn’t figure out why the book was so popular. It seems to rival The Mouse and the Motorcycle. But it felt like any other middle-of-the-road book. Maybe it had good marketing. But I got enough Ned Flanders-style writing in Because of Winn-Dixie.

Crispin: The Cross of Lead by Avi
(unfinished)

I stopped 50% – 60% of the way through. Just didn’t want to finish it. Someone told me if you’re not wholly in love with the book you’re reading, you should stop. There are plenty of other books out there. And this one didn’t spark joy.

Disclosure: I’ve never seen Marie Kondo

I try my best to get through these award winners and classics, but they’re always drab and dry. The POV is a peasant boy, so he has no great vocabulary. The narrative stark and emotionless (maybe it’s supposed to be because he’s little better than a slave). And everything is historically accurate so the prose gets dry and boring.

But the key was that I couldn’t care about anyone. It took forever for supporting characters to enter the story. And they kept me going for a little, but I didn’t care if the kid lived or died. I read the Wikipedia entry to find out the ending, and I missed nothing.

The big revelation, you can see from a mile away (think Jon Snow). But then he doesn’t even use it! After all those pages about being dirt poor and not being able to eat meat, and he’d rather be a traveling peasant when he could be a baron or lord. I thought the ending would result in his taking the power on to change the ways things were. But nope, he pusses out. Not my kind of hero.

Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

Eh, I guess it’s fine. It’s short anyway.

A woman who doesn’t want to be a proper princess leaves the castle. She wants to learn fencing and performing, but they won’t let her. So she finds some dragons to capture her as a fair maiden. The kind you rescue if any male in this story was capable. What this really means is she becomes a maid, doing dragon stuff like polishing the gold hoard, making breakfast, and handling appointments. So much for feminism.

To be honest, I didn’t think there was much there. Not enough to recommend it. It’s got a few funny moments, but I find comedy in books comes greatly from the absurd. And this isn’t it.

I think this might even be more of a prequel or setup to some other book. I like my stories with a little more substance than twee charm. Like Diana Wynne Jones lite. Nothing seemed to matter to anyone. It was just a few trite “stronger princess than prince” jokes. As if fairy tale maidens have never broken the mold before.

Blood, Sweat, and Pixels: The Triumphant, Turbulent Stories Behind How Video Games Are Made by Jason Schreier

A collection of stories about video games and how they got made. It doesn’t take for them to get samey. Company wants to make a game. It takes longer than they think. It costs more than they think. They work ninety hour weeks, beg for deadline extensions, and then release it. Game is a hit. Then they all go and do it again. I’m reminded of a George Carlin bit my dad liked:

“You know when you’ve been eating ice cream too fast and you get that frozen spot in the back of your throat but you can’t do anything about it because you can’t reach it to rub it? You just have to kinda wait for it to go away? And it does… then what do you do? EAT MORE ICE CREAM!”

At times it almost sounds like propaganda for the video game industry. There are no tales of when it all fell apart or everything was cancelled and dreams were destroyed (except one). He glosses over the lay-offs and misses those times when they just lock the doors and fire everyone. I bet he lifted from stories he’s written on Kotaku, so he didn’t have much work after that.

I don’t think it’s a well-balanced look at the crunch video games are famous for. And really, I don’t think it’s telling us anything we don’t already know–that working conditions for video game makers are horrible. I think you’re better off subscribing to a video game news feed.

The Company of Death by Elisa Hansen
(unfinished)

I wanted to read this book because Elisa Hansen is the Maven of the Eventide–a youtuber specializing in vampire media. And friend to Lindsay Ellis, who I’ve talked about before.

But the book has a fatal flaw–amateur writing. There are adverbs everywhere. There are long sentences. There are pacing problems. So much telling. Bad dialogue to narrative ratio. It’s like the stuff I read from people putting their novels up for critique.

This is a flaw that can be fixed over time, but it won’t be fixed in this text, so I decided to stop (see previous comment on joy sparking). There is charm there, and the content sounds plenty promising (there’s a zombie apocalypse at the same time as a vampire horde takeover). And if you can get past the writing style, maybe this is the book for you. Maybe I’m not the right audience for it.

But right away, I could tell this is an issue book (fair disclosure, I’m probably biased because I knew as much going in–I follow her on Twitter and saw how this book came about). And that issue is asexuality.

It’s a topic I don’t know much about it but was hoping to learn. Hansen herself identifies as asexual. I don’t understand it, but I was looking forward to learning about it in this book. But I couldn’t get past the beginning. Sorry Elisa.

Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple

I was going on vacation for a week (a Disney cruise). I did not bring my Kindle, because I thought it would be too sunny to read or I wouldn’t have time. I didn’t bring anything to read on the plane. And they don’t make SkyMall anymore.

So I had to quickly peruse the selection in one of those airport kiosks. Lots of spy/CIA/political thrillers, romances, and “going home” books. No science-fiction or fantasy. The reason I picked this is because A) it advertised humor and satire (specifically using the term “beach read”) B) I remembered seeing the trailer for this. If someone turned it into a movie, it must have at least a moving plot, right?

I was most afraid of it being quirky chick-lit. You know the kind, where the main character is always an attractive professional woman who just can’t land a man. Her friend is a sassy bartender or gay guy. And it’s all about careers, shopping, and other stuff Sex & the City already covered. But it’s not. It’s more of a family-style novel, like an ABC dramedy.

The plot is hard to describe. Its mood is ambivalent even, but the humor makes up for it. The key plot point forms the third act. Before that, all of the first two acts are epistolary. I kind of frown on epistolary because it’s an easy way to get world-building, and plot out there without narration. It’s a novel of all dialogue. The best part is the main antagonist–a nosy oblivious suburban mom who puts that one busybody in Donnie Darko to shame.

This isn’t my normal faire, so it’s hard to judge it using my perspective. I know I enjoyed it. I’m a little miffed at some of the shots it takes at Microsoft (and that’s saying a lot, because I’m a software engineer) and there are some things that don’t make sense. Like one of the things is Samantha 2, which is an incredible invention that [SPOILER REDACTED] and Microsoft cancels it. Not even they could fail to see the money-making opportunities, especially when the CEO invented poo water.

I think the theming was more about a woman’s need to be unexpectable vs. the expectations placed on her being a “normal” mother. It’s not going to be taught in any future curriculum, but hey, sometimes you need a beach read.

Dungeon Master Guide by Mike Mearls

Well, there’s really no sense to review this one. It is what it says on the tin. What surprises me is how much information in the DMG is already covered in the Player’s Handbook (which I’m in the middle of now).

But as for whether you’re going to read it? Well, it is a pretty book. Lots of cool pictures. Nice tables. After five revisions, I imagine they’ve got the technical documents down to a science. I just wish it wasn’t so expensive.

Late to the Game: Baldur’s Gate

baldur's gate dungeons and dragons computer game

So after my disappointment in The Witcher, I decided to try another old RPG — Baldur’s Gate (the enhanced edition).

When I was younger I played a co-op game with my friend on the PS2 called Baldur’s Gate. This must have been something different than what I got now, because I remember blasting rats in the basement with magic missiles and getting excited at finding a +2 Sword of Frost that actually froze enemies. This is more like an RTS, like Command & Conquer or Starcraft, except without resource gathering. And you only get six guys.

baldur's gate dungeons and dragons computer game

I did actually try this out when I got it, but the tutorial made me too anxious. That’s a lot of individual characters you gotta work with. How does Find Traps work? Combat got over so quickly I didn’t know how to do it. There’s lesson after lesson about moving, clicking, casting, etc. What happens if you die? What are all these commands? Is my mage going to waste all his magic missiles shooting at a jar? I didn’t really understand how to play.

So I put it aside and played some other (simpler) games for a while. I didn’t know if I’d ever pick it up again. It looks like an old game, like DOS era, so it’s not like something I need to put into my “classics I’ve played” bag.

But I came back to it and now I love it. Pretty much spent my entire December vacation playing it. It’s like a solo Dungeons and Dragons campaign, but with none of that disgusting “being around other people” crap.

I’ve gotten pretty attached to these characters. When it comes time for inventory management I say things like “OK, you need this and you should have this, and can you have this?” or “Dynaheir, where are you? Get over here” and “Xan, will you shut up.” I’d love to trade Xan out, but I haven’t found another sorcerer/magician person. It’s all fighters and thieves, which I started with.

The character movement is a little slow, but it’s nowhere near Witcher speeds [Editor’s Note: I found a way to instantly bring characters to your cursor using some minor console cheats. Now to avoid the temptation of using others.] My favorite part is the exploration. It’s kind of Starcraft where you’ve got a “fog of war” that’s all black until a character moves into it. Then it clears up, but if you go away, it fades. And now you know the terrain, but you don’t know if some gang of hobgoblins or a basilisk is going to be there when you get back.

Character management is still a problem. Sometimes my 7 HP mage keeps trying to go toe-to-toe with a pack of wild dogs.

Next time I’m going to play as an evil party. The dialogue choices aren’t varied, but that’s been a pattern for a long time (I’m looking at you Bioshock). So while it was fun to “play the character”, they really only give you choices between “be a noble hero” and “be a jerk.” I had people leave my party because I had too much reputation–I thought it was a glitch. Next time–let’s see what happens if I’m a bad boy.

baldur's gate dungeons and dragons computer game

Late to the Game: The Witcher

the witcher cross-eyed

I bought this on a Steam sale a LONG, long time ago, as part of a bundle with all the The Witcher games. The Witcher 3 was getting a lot of praise at the time. And I think Wild Hunt had come out? I think that’s like a expansion or the name of the “special edition”. Whatever it is, I finally started it after finishing The Stanley Parable and Torchlight.

Well, first there’s the production logos. And then there’s a long cutscene (really a short cartoon) with The Witcher fighting this werewolf thing. It all seems very Van Helsing and Hansel & Gretel. Bunch of impossible jumps, collateral damage, and no innocents harmed. And this has nothing to do with what follows (which is another bunch of cutscenes). I feel like that previous action sequence was either some kind of bonus content for the Enhanced Edition or meant to draw the player in. Because what follows certainly doesn’t.

exciting boring street signs

All of the sudden he’s getting carried somewhere on a cart despite defeating the wolf thing. And I don’t know who these people are and they’re taking you to some castle. And there’s talking and there’s old men and there’s a singular woman and they’re still talking and some bandits are now attacking and there’s still talking and now there’s a tutorial and I’m wondering when the hell I’m going to get to play.

cutscene

I mean, I like a game with story. But there’s story and then there’s having a preface to the prologue to the introduction. (Plus all the time I spent getting my controls working the way I want and adjusting the graphics settings for frame rate/detail balance).

So now I’m getting used to my sword and the combat is apparently based on clicking. I guess it’s in the timing of the clicks–you don’t press combo buttons or anything like that. All you really change is your combat style–fast, strong, or wide. At first I liked it because it was simple, but then it felt too simple. Too dry. It’s boring when you’re fighting a guy and waiting on the click. I wanted to play The Witcher, not Guitar Hero.

witcher combat
Click, click, click, like Farmville

Then cutscene, cutscene, cutscene, more running around. I still don’t know who I am, who’s attacking, why they’re attacking, who the other people are, or why I should care about any of this. Nor do I have any real freedom to explore or get used to my controls, I got thrust into combat right away. I think that’s a big mistake. Video games need to give you a chance to get used to the world and how you move. It’s establishing the “normal” before getting all crazy. Especially with a new IP. Half-Life did this. Zelda games always do this. Super Metroid, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy VII, I could go on.

All right, this castle is the tutorial level. But they still give you sidequests, but before you know how to do them or how to finish them, it takes you to the first level/chapter.

And before we get to that, let’s talk about the menu for a bit. In order to level up your character, there’s a small skill tree for various stats and swording skills. But you have to meditate in front of a fire to commit your changes. Also, there’s a pharmacy-mixing portion, where you can gather ingredients to make buffs from potions. These, along with inventory items are all in tiny little boxes on your character. With drugs, I don’t know what the point in seeing them is, because I can see if the potion is enabled or disabled. And the items of the same type stack, but not unique types. So I can have 10 loaves of bread, but not a scarf if the grid is full.

witcher 1 menu
Hope you like tiny icons

My point is that this is needlessly complex. Why do I get medallions instead of EXP points? Why do these buffs take 5 ingredients plus a base? Can I mix things together without a recipe, like Breath of the Wild? No, you can’t. Someone needs to give you the recipe or you read it. Consequence of your laser-guided amnesia I guess. (BTW the books, that have a one-time use to gain knowledge, stay in your inventory). Even FFX made more sense, and at least it did the math for you.

So after some confusing conversations, you can start wandering around the world. If you’re smart enough to know to open doors, you can leave the little fort and explore the open world. Well, as open as it gets for a small village. There’s a few landmarks around, several characters to talk to for both main and side quests, items to fetch for them (the classic “light the five torches around town”). It’s like a text adventure.

witcher meditation
Witchers be meditatin’

Combat occurs only at night, but time moves very slowly in this world, not like Zelda. And the enemies aren’t much to speak of. They stand there and get hit. My only challenge came from getting the combat system down. I breezed through every fight and I was on normal. It’s just clicking, like a Facebook game.

The world is dingy and gray and foggy. You have to look at the map a lot because everything looks the same. You don’t walk quickly and there’s no fast travel (I even looked up a mod for it). I’d say I spent 90% of the game walking from one place to another. The characters stand stock still when they deliver their lines. Men are power-hungry nobles, fat and drunk. Women are hot wenches.

witcher 1 dingy landscape houses
Have I been here before? How would I know?

The breaker for me was the sex thing. I don’t want to have sex in a video game. I don’t want sex to be part of a video game. Whenever I encounter it, it turns me off from the game. There’s never been a time where it hasn’t. It’s icky and creepy. But this one took the cake. Basically any woman in the game is someone you can bed down. It’s part of the dialogue options, if you pick the correct one.

abigail witcher 1
All the women look like this, hot and plastic

And when you finally do the deed, it doesn’t show anything. It just kind of fades around in colors. But you get a trading card for that person. That’s gross in itself, like these are achievements to collect. But the card is pretty dirty. It’s not like an artful Renaissance nude or a 50’s Bettie Page pin-up. No it’s a sweaty, curvy redhead humping… something.

witcher romance card
This is one of the tame ones

This game reminds me a lot of Conan the Barbarian. Not the environment so much, but the idea there’s this invincible superhero laying waste to all the evil soldiers and bedding all the women. His only vulnerability is his loss of memory. And all that does is give the game a chance to infodump on you without looking like it is.

conan the barbarian movie sword arnold

So it didn’t surprise me when I found out it was a book first. Not one I’ve heard of, but I imagine it can be compared to Robert E. Howard. The covers certainly make it look like that. So all this turns out to be is male wish fufillment. One based in some pretty mundane fantasy trappings for boys, like Red Sonja and He-Man. Not sure why it’s so popular. Maybe Witcher II gets better.

Why Do I Love Overwatch Even Though I Can’t Play It?

overwatch group

Why do I fall in love with games I don’t have and can’t play? First Five Nights at Freddy’s and now Overwatch.

For the past month, I’ve been going over lore, reading the comics, and sighing mournfully over videos. Why? What is it about this video game that fascinates me so? It’s not the competition, I don’t care one whit for pro gaming. I’ve tried watching competitions on ESPN and I can’t keep track of what’s happening.

It must be the lore. Mostly it’s the beautiful art and amazing diversity of characters. The game play is nothing new. Everything’s on this side of Team Fortress, which I’m not that fond of (no one works as a team when I play). But the aesthetic is unprecedented. It’s bright and cheerful. It looks like a theme park. The characters are a blend of women, men, white, non-white, atypical sexual orientation, mental health, human, non-human, and non-living.

This is a game where everyone should be an angry space marine. But Blizzard stomped all over that and said “Here, here’s an Egyptian sniper. And this is a Brazilian DJ. And a Russian female bodybuilder. And a British lesbian. And an autistic voluntary amputee from India. And a space gorilla!”

There’s no demo, so I can’t tell if it would run on my computer. Given the not-so-great performance of Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag and Batman: Arkham Knight, I’m thinking not so much. Someday when I get a new computer, I’ll probably download it. But until then, all I can do is wistfully stare at the fan art.

overwatch fan art

Late to the Game: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild cover

So when I got my Switch for my birthday, I also got Super Mario Odyssey, Kirby: Star Allies, and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. When I finished Skyward Sword, I had said no more to Zelda. I was sick of them getting the big new stuff right, but getting the old little things wrong. Like forcing obnoxious motion controls, repetitious & dumbass messages like “you got a red rupee! It’s worth (20) rupees!” for the hundredth time, weird-ass characters like Groose and Ghirahim (as unpleasant as he is unpronounceable). But everyone’s declared Breath of the Wild the bestest game on the Switch, nay, mayhaps the world, 10/10, four stars. Also I didn’t buy it, my wife did (at this point she’s more into Zelda than I am). So it’s not my fault–I had this Zelda forced upon me.

So sure, let’s boot it up. The whole family is gathered in front of the TV like it’s one of Roosevelt’s fireside chats. And the first thing we see is a light (go towards the light, Link!) Then … words! Holy schneikes, someone’s actually speaking to me. Using dialogue! In English! (with a slight British twang.) That’s never happened in a Zelda game. You’re always having to fill in the voices with whatever they provide from occasional chirps and grunts.

Link wakes up Breath of the Wild

Okay, then Link wakes up as water drains from the sarcophagus he’s lying in. Looks like he’s been in some cryonic sleep, like Han Solo out of carbonite. There’s some huge pillar above him, and then a console lights up. Isn’t this how Alien started?

Ripley in cryo chamber

It sure as hell looks like a spaceship. (If it walks like a cuccoo, swims like a cuccoo…)

So you get the Wii U Gamepad Sheikah Slate from the console, then head into another room. Could be storage, could be a hallway. There’s some rotten barrels and chests containing shoddy clothes (not the traditional green garb). My youngest comments that the aesthetic is just like Black Panther, which I enthusiastically agree with. Zelda’s been trending this way ever since the Tingle Tuner in TWW. It blossomed in Skyward Sword with the robots and time travel and companion who speaks like C-3PO. It’s going from swords-and-sorcery to this quasi-technological design closer to science fiction tropes. (BTW, my youngest also chooses not to equip Link’s shirt, because she likes him bare-chested.)

Then the real door opens up and we see the vast, vast, VAST land of Hyrule.

Mr. Burns Vast Fortune field simpsons

Wow, it’s beautiful. There’s Death Mountain. And there’s Hyrule Castle. It all looks so far away. A thousand times bigger than Hyrule field in Ocarina of Time. And it’s all one piece, not broken up into “lands” like Skyward Sword. You can walk from one end to the other without interruption, like Grand Theft Auto, but no buildings or people. And my kids are weirded out because the only Zelda they’ve ever played is The Wind Waker. So they’re not used to a Hyrule not underwater.

Speaking of people, there’s a figure down the slope to the left. And we discover that it’s… Old Man! He’s back! I have to explain to my kids “No, you don’t understand. This guy is from the very first Zelda game. He’s the first person you meet. And he hasn’t really shown up since.”

old man from breath of the wild zelda
“Hey man, it’s great to see you. Where have you been the past thirty-five years? I’ve missed you. What have you been up to? Sorry I ate your apple.”

Time for a little exploring. We go to the ruined temple further down (is this the Temple of Time? hm…) and see the first enemy. Not a hundred percent sure what it is, but definitely a blin of some kind. Stands out like a sore thumb–cartoony pink against green. Luckily, we found an axe. Not a sword, an axe. So this means we’ll get to have different weapons? Cool. We also get a bow a little later. Whoa, this is WAY earlier than you should be getting the bow. No Zelda game before it has had it this early. Usually it comes midway through, because a long-range weapon is just too powerful early in the game, before you’ve mastered swordplay.

In fact, no other Zelda game has started like this, with complete access to a giant world. Usually you have to tool around your home village for half an hour. Gotta talk to everyone, read block after block of text. Maybe do some stupid mini-game. Someone asks you to “Press B” to show how high you can jump. But here… everything’s so empty. Why? Where is everybody? I know Smoky Snake Ganon is sinewing around the castle. Maybe that’s affecting someone. But there’s not even the sign of an occasional hotspot. Or regions with other sentient species like Koroks or Mogmas. Not even an obnoxious fairy that hides in your sword and reminds you your Wiimote batteries are low.

vast field empty

There’s no towns. No passerbys. Barely any animals–just butterflies and an occasional bird. No man-made structures. No rupees or hearts when you break a bush. Not even a running mailman. It’s all nature. Even lacks the bright snappy colors–everything is doused grass-green. I feel like the last man on Earth. With the breakable weapons, crafting recipes, and health from food instead of hearts, it feels more like Skyrim (author’s note: I’ve never played Skyrim).

P.S. One of the last things we did was get the Sheikah Tower activated (warping early too? Damn, son.) My eldest daughter is controlling it, and we’re supposed to find a way down. She looks over the side, wondering what to do. “Should I jump?” she asks. Mom says “No, don’t jump”, but me and youngest say “Jump! Jump!” We all know full well what’s going to happen. She jumps and of course, dies. And we all laugh. No one’s going to find her body either, having dropped into a little nest of boulders out of line of sight.

sheikah tower
Oh come on, don’t tell me you wouldn’t jump off of this too. Just once.

The Sliding Scale of Infidelity

sex doll couch video games

I was talking about this with my wife the other day. Apparently there is some new sex robot that can replicate emotions and give responses. I’m sure it’s not much better than a furby. But it reminded me that we are facing a paradigm shift in technology + sex and it’s going to go common soon.

I can’t remember where I read it, but there’s a quote that says “As soon as a new technology is invented, people will figure out a way to use it for sex”. It happened with paintings, the telephone, the video tape, and so on. I don’t know if the same debates occurred back then, but I know that today’s technology allows to get into some very gray area regarding infidelity.

Case in point, there’s a scene in Bad Moms (2016 starring Mila Kunis) where the husband is on the computer masturbating. The wife thinks it’s just porn, but he’s webcamming with another girl. I don’t know if this is a camgirl or a normal citizen. It’s someone he’s established rapport with, that much is known.

The wife (and mine) considered this cheating. But no fluids were exchanged. They were never in the same room together. In fact, they had never met IRL and lived in different states.

To be clear, I’m not saying this ISN’T cheating. I’m saying it’s an interesting debate. I understand both sides of the issue. On one hand, feelings were hurt. On the other hand, how different is this than pornography or strippers? To what degree of intimacy was exchanged?

And that’s just today. I don’t know what it was like in the past days–I guess women didn’t feel like they had voice enough to protest their husbands sexual escapades. But now that we’ve got stronger women PLUS accelerating technology, a hand must be raised.

And it’s interesting that this “accelerated technology” is pretty much devoted to giving humans artificial experiences. I grew up in a time when the greatest advance in VR was A) that thing at the State Fair where you shoot dragons or your friend in Blockoland or B) Virtual Boy.

Right now, sex dolls are still tossed in the uncanny valley, but eventually, they will make a human-passable gynoid. Is a nearly human gynoid worse or better than watching a camgirl?

When I try and evaluate “am I masturbating or am I having an affair?” I think of it on a scale from 0 (monogamous, no fear of betrayal) to 10 (you’ve been unfaithful to me, I want a divorce). Here are some things that are going to have to be placed on that scale:

  • A full-size sex doll with no electronics or moving parts
  • A sex doll that can have a face projected onto it (any face you want)
  • A sex doll with moving parts and electronics (meant to be as close to a human as possible)
  • A non-humanoid robot that can give a handjob
  • Virtual reality porn
  • Virtual reality porn with a peripheral
  • Virtual reality porn with a haptic suit
  • A sex game on a Kinect (or perhaps virtual sex on the Kinect)
  • Attaching a fleshlight to an iPad.
  • Anything you can make with a 3-D printer
  • Interacting one-on-one with a camgirl (compare to getting a lap dance with a stripper)
  • Interacting one-on-one with someone on ChatRoulette

  • Using a remotely-operated sex toy (they’ve got everything from kissing simulators to virtual vajayjays).
  • Putting on Google Glasses and face-swapping your partner with someone else.

To me, none of these sound terribly appealing. Maybe the most likely one I’d get is something VR for the cell phone. Nothing too expensive. I’ve got kids, I’ve got to hide it, you know. I can’t put on a haptic suit every time. But the thing about VR is it does feel a leetle beet too much like having sex with someone who’s not my wife. Also, someone could walk in and I’d never know it.

For me personally, I think a big part comes from “is there a human on the other end or not”? Although this is not an end-all/be-all. Men can fall in love with a non-feeling object. We’re living in a world where people marry their pillows, for God’s sake.

Ultimately, it comes down to what’s okay between you and your spouse. And these days that may not be so cut and dried. So that means some uncomfortable communications are going to have to occur, and it’s better they occur sooner than later.

Favorite Video Games for Each Year of My Life

video game controllers

Well, it worked so well for movies, why not try for video games? I’m young enough.

1981 – Frogger
1982 – Dig Dug
1983 – Jumpman
1984 – Balloon Fight
1985 – Super Mario Bros.
1986 – Rampage
1987 – Leisure Suit Larry (in the Land of the Lounge Lizards)
1988 – Super Mario Bros. 3
1989 – TMNT II: The Arcade Game
1990 – Super Mario World
1991 – The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
1992 – Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins
1993 – Doom
1994 – Donkey Kong Country
1995 – Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island
1996 – Quake
1997 – Blood
1998 – The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
1999 – Final Fantasy VIII
2000 – Perfect Dark
2001 – Super Smash Bros. Melee
2002 – Kingdom Hearts
2003 – Grand Theft Auto III
2004 – Katamari Damacy
2005 – Resident Evil 4
2006 – The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
2007 – Bioshock
2008 – Left 4 Dead
2009 – Batman: Arkham Asylum
2010 – Bioshock 2
2011 – Portal 2
2012 – Borderlands 2
2013 – Bioshock Infinite
2014 – Mario Kart 8
2015 – Disney Infinity 3.0
2016 – Lego Marvel’s Avengers

The Best Books I Read in 2016

heart book
lindsey stirling only pirate at the party
The Only Pirate at the Party by Lindsey Stirling & Brooke S. Passey

(original review)

It’s funny. It’s light-hearted. It’s not too long. It’s poignant. It’s like Felicia Day’s book. And it’s full of her voice both tragic and comic. Grim at times, cheery at most. This is not the Kim Kardashian, Tina Fey, or even the Mindy Kaling. This isn’t the girl who made it (not yet, at least). This is the girl still hacking at that creativity mountain with a pick-axe.

masters of doom david kushner
Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture by David Kushner

(original review)

A fascinating slice of nostalgia for anyone who played computer games during the rise of the FPS and years of shareware. Find out how it all happened, who the revolutionaries were, and what happened behind the scene to find the rise and fall of a watershed era.

rejected princesses
Rejected Princesses: Tales of History’s Boldest Heroines, Hellions, and Heretics by David Porath

(original review)

Christ, are they all non-fiction this year? Either that means I picked out some crap books or I’m starting to appreciate history. My original review gushed about it for more than four hundred words. I can’t think of what else needs to be said. If you want to read about heroes or women of diverse types, this is your go-to.