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Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 7)

Mary Jane Watson

Is it possible to call a minifig hot? I don’t know something about the black t-shirt and red hair and blue jeans really works for me. Unfortunately, she’s all distress and no damsel. You’d think that after being kidnapped so many times she’d get a gun. I mean seriously, does EVERY Spider-Man movie have to end with Mary Jane in trouble?

Mister Fantastic

He’s a scientist, he can stretch his body like Elasti-girl or Plastic Man, and he’s got weird gray hair. According to this game, he can turn into weird stuff like a teapot and an air traffic control tower. I believe he, along with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner, is one of the smartest people in the Marvel Universe. Meaning only white guys go to school.

Moon Knight

What’s a moon knight? Is he affected by the moon or something? Is the moon his boss? Does he turn into a knight when the moon is full like a were-hero? Does he only have powers at night? If so, it’s not a stealthy costume. He must use a lot of bleach. I’ve never heard of this guy but he reminds me of Space Ghost or that one guy all in white in that seventies cartoon, the one with the Super-Monkey.

Ms. Marvel

This hero’s got an old-sounding name, but as far as I can tell, her big power is throwing fireballs. Wasn’t there anything to make her more distinctive? Usually women heroes had more of a “thing”. Wonder Woman was into bondage. Black Widow’s a femme fatale. Jean Grey comes back to life a lot. She-Hulk, Batgirl, and Supergirl are all “Smurfette”s of more-popular counterparts. I was expecting more of a Sue Storm – someone who’s married to a bigger hero. Is Ms. Marvel’s thing being a single woman?


I personally love Mysterio. Because when I was a kid I thought he was this intimidating villain based on my sole Spider-Man experience – the text adventure video game. Was he an alien? A deformed human? Why couldn’t you see his face? My four-year-old brain couldn’t comprehend this. It was actually disappointing when I found out he was just a stunt/SFX man in a costume. And I didn’t learn this until the 2004 Spider-Man 2 game, where he’s a tertiary villain. In fact, the big joke is that he can be knocked down with one punch. I think this guy would be great for a movie. Much better than Giamatti Rhino or “blueberry” Shocker.


So Mystique is like the X-Men version of Black Widow, with a bonus ability to shapeshift into any other human (though that’s not in this game). I’m assuming it’s only humanoids and she can’t change into a rock. Her natural form is blue-skinned with reptilian eyes and even though she could disguise herself as a human, she thinks she shouldn’t need to. Thus she’s on the side of Magneto and wants to destroy all humans. Also, she may or may not be Nightcrawler’s mom. I see the family resemblance.

Nick Fury

Not a pirate. Nick Fury is the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., the company that recruits superheroes to help save the world. I don’t know much about his past but it seems to be military-based. For some reason, he has Black Widow’s cloaking device, even though I don’t think he’s a spy. But he does seem to have a knack for suddenly appearing a la Jason Voorhees. Also, I think he used to be white.


You got me. He seems to be human. Is like some combination of Green Goblin and Scarecrow? Something demonier? He shoots energy balls and beams, but his level takes place in a circus, fighting Ghost Rider (and Hawkeye and Iceman).


Also one I don’t know. He’s got a weird “star” helmet and a bright blue uniform. Maybe he’s some holdback from a 50’s comic. Especially given that he can fly and shoots “energy beams” which half of all heroes did back then. I don’t even know if he’s from Earth or in some kind of Guardians of the Galaxy region of space.

Pepper Potts

Tony Stark’s secretary-cum-lover-cum-fiancee-cum-didn’t-sign-beyond-three-movies. Funnily enough, the game gives her the ability to operate advanced computers. I think she’s like Tony’s co-dependent. She enables his destructive behavior, before and after his Iron Man epiphany. She’d be a great Nick Fury pastiche in an all-female superhero team-up movie.

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

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