So they finally announced the Final Fantasy VII remake. Year after year, it’s been one of the hands-clasped-in-prayer announcements for E3 as much as the Half-Life 3. And me, being a huge FFVII fan, former writer on the FF Compendium, I asked myself this morning if I’d ever play it. My answer was “Pfft, no.” Look, man, I love Final Fantasy VII. I LOOOOOVE Final Fantasy VII. I love the characters, I love the story, I love the gameplay. My memories of it are nothing but fond. But the fact is, you can’t go home again. It’s 2015. It’s been more than fifteen years since that magic time. I’m married.…
-
-
My Christmas List – 1992
I found some old text files of mine and thought I’d share their delight with you, along with some commentary from an older and wiser author. I think it’s missing some numbers because I eventually deleted the things I’d gotten. Maybe someday I’ll cross-reference with my diary to see what I actually got. Also note, I would have been eleven years old at this time. CHRISTMAS LIST `92 1. 13-in. TV with remote control Ah, youth. A TV in my room seemed like the pinnacle of luxury. Nowadays, you can afford an entire entertainment center — computer, TV, stereo. But to me, a thirteen-inch TV with remote seemed to me…
-
Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 2)
Beetle I have no idea who this is, but he’s cooler than I expected. I may be wrong, but he seems to fly the fastest. His color is red, a primary color, but darkened in hue, so I’m not sure if he’s a good guy or a bad guy. My guess would be good, because beetles are rather weak and underdoggish, like ants and spiders. Not big predators like Rhino or scary-sounding aliens like Skrull and Kurse. I think he may be a man in a suit, like Iron Man, because he can shoot missiles. Black Bolt I am not sure what his deal is. He can fly and shouts at…
-
Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 1)
I’m not that really that old, but I am out of touch. I only just recently read Batman: Hush and Transmetropolitan. I’m trying to catch up on my comic stuff, but there’s a long way to go. I saw Lego Marvel Super Heroes played on Co-Optitude and thought, goddamn I’d love to play that game. I’d finished Lego Lord of the Rings with 100% completion and it was a blast. So when I found it on the Summer Steam Sale, I bought it right away. Like in LOTR, there are a ton of unlockable characters. Unlike LOTR, they are a lot more varied. More than just orcs and “weary Frodo”.…
-
Why Am I So Damn Fascinated By Five Nights at Freddy’s?
I think it got popular because of the Let’s Plays. It’s always fun to watch people freak out. Bill Cosby said when a person is scared, that’s the only time they’re really being themself. I’ve been watching Let’s Play’s, reading the entire FN@F wiki, playing the memes. Yet I don’t own the game, and don’t plan to. It’s all jumpscares. I hate jumpscares for two reasons. They’re cheap and meaningless ways to control the audience. And I hate the way jumpscares make me feel, like a weak little kitten, manipulated, afraid of everything. Just like elementary school. Yes, I have a double standard. Deal with it.* So why am I…
-
Don’t Worry About Anita Sarkeesian or GamerGate
Anita Sarkeesian’s latest video and GamerGate have caused quite a stir. To me it sounds like a lot of sound and fury over nothing. The Internet is more worried about “ethics in games journalism“ while ISIS, ebola, and elections are going on in the real word. More celebrities taking the time to make a comment on its presence (like Tim Schafer and Joss Whedon and John Scalzi and Stephen Baldwin) and people backlashing “how could you”s back. Here’s the thing: I don’t get what people are afraid of. Are games going to change? Get deregulated? Censored? Nerfed? The answer is no. Don’t worry, guys. All the God of Wars, Saints…
-
Games Someone Should Make: Wonder Woman
This could be a free-roaming action-adventure, much like Spider-Man 2, or a game like Batman: Arkham Whatever, but more linear. Wonder Woman has an interesting collection of powers, not the least of which is her lasso of truth. This is a fascinating gameplay element that could be used many different ways. Maybe like Deus Ex‘s conversation threads. You could use it for triggering quests, swinging around the city quickly (Or can she already fly? I never know these things), finding hints or clues or storyline elements. It’d be more interesting than just “talking to everyone”. Plus you’ve got her invisible jet, defensive bracelets, a tiara, a sword, and hand-to-hand combat.…
-
Late to the Game: Assassin’s Creed
This game is simply not that good. I do not know how it got a dozen sequels out of it, but playing the first did not make me want to play any others. It’s too repetitive and colorless. First thing I gotta complain about is the poor PC port. Couldn’t see the opening movie, but could hear it. Took forever to figure out a way to get my XBox controller emulator with it, and then it wouldn’t save the configuration. I ended up just leaving the game on all the time, so now Steam thinks I’ve played Assassin’s Creed for 142 hours. Either the data miners at Valve are going…
-
My Most Annoying Thing in Each Zelda Game
This relates to my Skyward Sword review: I’m done with Zelda. I’m not expecting every game to be perfect, but a lot of these are just so simple to remove; it’s like they did no playtesting. The Legend of Zelda Peahats These damn things fly all over the screen randomly for what feels like five minutes. Then when they finally do land, you only have about two seconds to attack it before it flies off again. And God help you if it lands on the other side of the screen, or behind a wall. And double-screw to you if its one of those “kill all monsters to open the door”…
-
Games Someone Needs to Make: Zombie Skyrim
I had a dream about this the other night. For some reason, I dream a lot about video games. Don’t know why. So this is a first-person, open world game, along the lines of Deus Ex, Skyrim, Fallout: New Vegas, but set in an environment like “Last Night on Earth”. Like Bioshock, all in-game cutscenes, starting from point one. You never even see who you truly are. You are rolled into a hospital ER. There’s chaos everywhere. You are not alone, as dozens of doctors and gurneys criss-cross in front of you. Nurses exposit as you ride into a holding area, talking about bite marks, rabies, standard zombie fare. As…
