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Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 1)

I’m not that really that old, but I am out of touch. I only just recently read Batman: Hush and Transmetropolitan. I’m trying to catch up on my comic stuff, but there’s a long way to go.

I saw Lego Marvel Super Heroes played on Co-Optitude and thought, goddamn I’d love to play that game. I’d finished Lego Lord of the Rings with 100% completion and it was a blast. So when I found it on the Summer Steam Sale, I bought it right away. Like in LOTR, there are a ton of unlockable characters. Unlike LOTR, they are a lot more varied. More than just orcs and “weary Frodo”. The Marvel Universe has a huge cast of characters. Here’s as much as I know about them.

A.I.M. Agent

This is when Marty McFly dresses up as “Darth Vader, the extra-terrestrial from Planet Vulcan”. I think he’s some sort of bad guy, given that he keeps shooting at me. But I’m not sure what department he works for or who’s his arch-nemesis. I cannot remember what A.I.M. stands for. He’s yellow… oh, I know. Duh.

He’s the old AIM logo guy.


Hulk’s arch-nemesis. Made of more sewage-y green stuff, but seems to have better control of his senses. I have no idea what his ultimate goal is or where he came from, but I bet it involves world domination. I think he used to be a mercenary, but he drank some brown gunk and became this. I really hope is wasn’t Hulk’s poop.

austin powers mustache nutty
“It’s a bit nutty.”

And I have no idea what’s up with that teddy bear. Maybe he borrowed it from Shadowman.

Absorbing Man

I don’t know what he’s supposed to absorb, because I pushed all the buttons around everything, including all the superheroes, and he didn’t change. He’s a half naked man who swings a ball and chain around. Maybe he’s a metaphor for something. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s either an X-Men enemy or Deadpool enemy. Seems goofy looking enough for the early era.

Agent Coulson

This is Nick Fury’s number one guy. He’s the baseball scout for new superheroes and keeping things under control. Works with the B-siders, but loves Captain America, even though he must have been born twenty years after his heyday. Has his own TV show, but I don’t watch it, although it involves a named car. Possibly like Knight Rider. Likes smoothies, big guns, and giving you hints you already know. Yes, Phil, I know I need Hulk for those giant green glowing handles. I’ve only done it a hundred times already.

Aldrich Killian

Val Kilmer with AIDS (as far as I can tell with Iron Man 3). I think he had some disease, but was then cured by his own drug, which will either give you super-regenerating lava/fire powers or turn you into extra crispy ribs. And I think he’s angry at Iron Man because he wouldn’t go into business with him. Should know better — Tony works in tech, not prescription drugs.


Uh, a very, very tiny man. He can grow and shrink at will, and this helps him get into lab rat mazes that someone has left throughout New York City. When he concentrates, he can summon really really gross bugs to attack his enemies and explode them. Avoid at all costs.


He’s the flying guy from X-Men 3, but, somehow turned into a cyborg. Or at least with metal feathers. He can shoot those metal feathers at people, and can fly, ignoring basic principles of physics. I mean, we’re supposed to believe that his flight is entirely powered by his wings, ignoring the fact of birds’ hollow bones or wing shape. Ostriches and penguins can’t fly because they’re just too heavy, how is a person going to do it? Superman is more plausible. I do like that move where he flies the guy up and slams them down.

Armin Zola

I have no idea. In the Captain America movies, he’s the guy who looks like Major Toht’s little brother. But in the game, he looks like bootleg Krang. Or a robot with a TV in his stomach. Or Ring Man.

Whatever he is, he needs a color scheme change, because he couldn’t look more like a fifties robot if he tried.

Aunt May

Whoo! Go, old lady! Aunt May is Spider-Man’s mother figure who’s played by either a Jessica Tandy stand-in or my mom Sally Field. This appears to be the Jessica Tandy version. She can hit people with her bag, and if you team her up with Stan Lee, you can make it look like Bonnie and Clyde going on a rampage in NYC.


The X-men’s super-smart scientist who was used to be a talk-show psychologist living in Seattle. He was originally mostly human except for big feet and long limbs. But then he wanted to get with Katniss/Mystique so he tried drinking an experimental serum and his mutation got worse. As far as playability, he’s decent enough. I wish he played a bigger role in the game. But you’ll never use him, because Wolverine is closer/more noticeable. Even though he’s got everything Wolverine has plus Smarts.

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

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