Lego is launching a product line for girls. Someone should tell them that they already have one; its called legos.
— Michael Labriola (@mlabriola) December 18, 2011
Someone sent me a Tonberry and some t-shirts for my birthday! Thank you!
— Noah Antwiler (@TheSpoonyOne) December 26, 2011
I Predict! With The Muppets a smash hit, professional puppetry will soon be flooded with cynical bastards just out for a buck.
— Charles St. Charles (@CharleStCharles) January 6, 2012
PETA really is like that promiscuous girl from drama class; always doing weird sexual shit to get attention.
— Lindsay Ellis (@thelindsayellis) March 3, 2012
On the other hand, I am learning a lot about disk partitions and registries.
— Noah Antwiler (@TheSpoonyOne) March 9, 2012
Mainly, “don’t fuck with them.”
— Noah Antwiler (@TheSpoonyOne) March 9, 2012
Fuck helicopter parents, I ever have kids I’ll be a TARDIS mom: strange sense of timing, up for anything & let’s you bring home strays.
— Antonella Inserra (@Nellachronism) March 26, 2012
I’ve been to Asgard. It’s in Minnesota, which is in America.
— Bandit Keith (@BanditKeith_USA) May 13, 2012
The James Patterson store at the airport had some books by other authors. Good to see variety.
— Greg van Eekhout (@gregvaneekhout) May 13, 2012
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) May 18, 2012
Think you want kids? Listen to the theme to ‘Elmo’s World’ every morning. Within a week, you’ll make an appointment to get your tubes tied.
— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) May 19, 2012
Only time I ever want to “Keep up with a Kardashian” is if I’m chasing after one while holding duct tape and a shovel.
— Brad Williams (@funnybrad) May 26, 2012
Siri, do you think mermaids will be the big new civil rights push?
— Zooey Asks Siri (@ZooeySiri) May 29, 2012
Juneau, Alaska is named after Joe Juneau, a prospector who found gold in the area. He made a lot of money but blew most of it.
— ToddInTheShadows (@ShadowTodd) June 12, 2012
I wonder what horrifying percentage of my life I spend watching a little blue bar move left to right across a computer screen.
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) July 9, 2012
I just want friends with whom I can discuss Activia. 🙁
— ToddDakotah (@ToddDakotah) July 15, 2012
Let’s give The Dark Knight Rises a chance. If these small art films fail we all suffer.
— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) July 16, 2012
“Do you want things to be better?” “YES.”
“Would you sacrifice anything to make them better?” “HELL NO.”
(every CNN poll result ever)
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) July 18, 2012
Watching my “Batman” VHS. I better call this number to get my Warner Bros Catalog AND my Warner Bros Ball Cap. Thanks Bugs!
— Brad Jones (@thecinemasnob) July 27, 2012
I bet death is fucking awesome, and that’s why no one comes back to life.
— Alex (@Talking_Teddy) August 3, 2012
Also Robopocalypse was one of the worst books I’ve ever read. I tried reading amped and threw up.
— cwGabriel (@cwgabriel) August 18, 2012
Whenever I delete an app on my iPod, the shaking icons look like they’re scared over who’s next.
— Alex (@Talking_Teddy) August 20, 2012
“Fact-Checker Column.” I’m so old, I remember when the entire newspaper was the fact-checking section.
— Brian McFadden (@BigFatWhale) August 30, 2012
I wouldn’t recommend putting any Gotham Rogues on your fantasy football team. It’s not their record. It’s their life expectancy.
— The Batman (@TheBatman) September 5, 2012
Twain’s world. Twain’s world. Witty time. White suit.
— Samantha Martin (@HiMyNameSam) September 21, 2012
Riddle me this, dumbass. Whose stupid riddle-clues take four seconds to solve on Google?
— The Batman (@TheBatman) October 2, 2012
Cutting PBS support (0.012% of budget) to help balance the Federal budget is like deleting text files to make room on your 500Gig hard drive
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) October 4, 2012
You got the giant bomb bag! It can hold twice as much as ordinary bomb bags!
— ToddInTheShadows (@ShadowTodd) October 5, 2012
Feeling pretty pissed that Paula Deen has eclipsed Wilford Brimley and Stacey from The Baby-sitters Club as the most famous diabetic. Fuck.
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) October 6, 2012
“I really don’t know what ‘I love you’ means. I think it means ‘Don’t leave me here alone.’”
— Neil Gaiman
— the daily zen (@dailyzen) October 11, 2012
This is just to say
I have put
in the binders
they left work early
is so cold.
— Kieran Healy (@kjhealy) October 17, 2012
Any politician who justifies his policy position by claiming that it is “God’s Will” should be immediately disqualified for public office.
— Luke Adams (@luketadams) October 25, 2012
Here’s your message to Angel: ‘Hey Angel, did I ever tell you how Gummy lost his teeth? Slap Fluttershy again and you’ll find out.’
— Pinkie Pie’s Siri (@SiriPie) November 14, 2012
My wife is asking me if I know who any of these people are. Since Sephiroth and Mario have so far failed to show, the answer is no.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) November 14, 2012
I may have lost the Powerball Lotto, but I won my village’s Lottery! I wonder why everybody else is holding rocks…
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) November 29, 2012
So no Gremlin ever figured out it could simply piss on itself. I see.
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) December 10, 2012
After Trayvon Martin was shot, I don’t remember the NRA saying that every black teenager should go out and get a gun for protection…
— Ola Betiku (@OlaBetiku) December 22, 2012
“The solution isn’t to throw the ring into Mt. Doom. It’s to put more rings of power into more shires.” – Middle Earth Rifle Association.
— Bryce Read (@thebryceread) December 31, 2012
The National Ring Association says it’s the Lord of the Rings movies that are the problem, not the easy access to rings of power.
— Ed Brubaker (@brubaker) January 3, 2013
Nothing says Saturday morning like Friday night.
— Hannah Hart (@harto) January 26, 2013