The home page for author Eric J. Juneau

Soraya LeBlanc

elizabeth olsen scarlet witch action figure toy

Here’s a character I made up for some Reddit thing that’s going nowhere.

Name: Soraya LeBlanc
Occupation: a wizard, specializing in divination and transfiguration
Age: forty, been in magic training since eighteen
Where: born in the south of France, in a rural area. She’s a big city girl like Carrie Bradshaw in “Sex and the City”
Motivation: obtaining wealth and luxury, but not through marriage if she can avoid it (unless that gets her to a goal — she’s interested in what’s hers, not what someone else owns)
Tool of choice: Magic–using divination to predict the future to profit from the outcome or transfiguration to make things into more valuable things. Also uses her “milf-ness” to her advantage when needed.
Education: Bonne Motte’s School for Development of Magic for Girls
Likes: Fine foods, bright colors, thick books
Dislikes: Dirt, vegetables, things that are gross (grew up with two little brothers who annoyed her to no end with pet frogs and boogers)
Quirk: Obsessed with clean teeth, always makes sure they’re white and spotless, spends money on this
Symbols: Adorned with fake roses, but really wears fluffy things underneath

Random Thoughts

question marks

Are the “It” from “It Follows” and “It” from “It” related? Asking for a friend.

OMG, I think The Rescuers and the Rescue Rangers are somehow related. Maybe they’re like rival companies? The Rescue Aid Society is the big business and Rescue Rangers is the offshoot startup. I think I’ve got my next Disney crossover.

What would happen if you ate the One Ring? Would it just pass through your system or could you digest it? I know stomach acid isn’t lava, but still, I don’t know what’s special about Mount Doom’s lava. Or would it just stay there? And would it make you invisible? You’re not wearing the ring but the ring’s wearing you.

Thought Experiment

ant play doh

If you put some play-doh in a jar, and then some ants along with it, the ants would shape the play-doh into their world. It would become their world.

And over time, the ants would evolve, they’d become intelligent. And eventually they’d wonder where the play-doh came from. What it is, what made it, what was here before the play-doh, if anything.

Ants don’t have any idea that there are humans around. They don’t know why some of them suddenly are crushed or burnt. Why their homes get destroyed. The same way they don’t know why rain comes down or why some ground is hard and some is soft. Humans move too fast for them at their level. They’re on a scale too grand to recognize. Another plane of existence.

So they’d continue coming up with theories for why the play-doh is there, and never any evidence why.

Unisex Toilets

funny unisex toilet wall alien

I was thinking about North Carolina’s bathroom bill (see Wikipedia entry) and the total backlash against it, what with touring music acts and writers cancelling their trips, decreasing their own revenue to take a stand. Even states are turning their backs, like a metaphysical Klingon dishonoring ceremony.

You can’t make a bathroom for everyone. First women needed a separate one, then for blacks (which was repealed, but they’re still around), then the disabled. In the future, I think we’ll go “fuck it” and all bathrooms will be unisex, like in Ally McBeal. (Once we’ve evolved past neanderthal issues like harassment and perversion).

And in the future, some kid will ask his/her father “Dad, why are there always two bathrooms right next to each other even though they’re the exact same?” And the father will explain. And the kid will say, “That’s weird.”

72 Virgins Would Be Horrible

save a virgin do me instead shirt

I know, I know, it’s a myth that the Koran says if you die promoting Islam, 72 virgins await you in Heaven, and that’s where all the extremists come from. Total lie. That doesn’t mean media doesn’t perpetuate it. Mostly for purposes of comedy these days. Along with the more common tropes of “virgin sacrifice”, “virgin stupid” and others.

But I was thinking the other day, wouldn’t this be horrible? You die, and you go to a place with 72 women (I’m making assumptions about orientation here. Substitute your favorite gender where appropriate). I’m not going to make the cliche joke of 72 shrews complaining and nagging. Let’s assume they’re there just to have sex with you.

But none of them know how. You have to teach them all how to have sex, and it’s going to be no fun for them the first time. As this classic Saturday Night Live sketch demonstrates, it rather defeats the purpose of heaven to make them all virgins. I mean, even the experienced women still have trouble with some things.

There will be no variety. They only know what you know, what you can teach them. And let’s hope that God provides some kind of toy chest. If all you’ve got is two bodies and an imagination limited by your own experiences, you are in trouble.

Second, if you’re really into taking someone’s virginity, you only get 72 enterprises until you run out. For eternity. No more for you.

Third, where do they get these women? If they’re just made-up automatons, that’s no fun. Nothing to talk about, no personalities, no histories, no flavor. It would be like having sex with robots. If they aren’t made-up, where do they come from? Only 4% of U.S. adults over 25 are virgins, and those people are still alive. Are you going to be having sex with some cystic fibrosis sufferer? Someone with morbid obesity who can’t get out of bed?

Are you going to be having sex with some 12-year-old who got in a car accident? (Maybe this is her hell?) Or is your heaven going to be littered with 72 toddlers and stillborn babies? That’s sick!

There’s nothing really great about virginity. As far as real life goes, it’s something to get out of the way. These days, what people think of as virginity is really chastity. But they’re hinged on the technical aspects, thinking they equate to the spiritual aspects. They don’t. So claiming to be a virgin while doing all that other naughty stuff is like saying you’ve never drank orange juice, but you’ve eaten an orange. If that’s the way you’re rolling, you may need to rethink your reasons.