The home page for author Eric J. Juneau

My Three Goals as a Writer

mountain climb goal

I want to be a writer, as you can see from the one thousand plus posts I’ve put up. But I also like to make money, which is why I’m not a capital-“A” author yet. There are only so many hours in the day. So for now, writing is a fun thing until I hit that publishing lottery and get something in print.

But there are other ways to get a steady job in the printed word. I’m too introverted for journalism (except as a columnist or editorial writer) and I’m not fast enough for freelancing. But there are some fun things I’d like to do. Here are three.

I would like to write a porno. I know what you’re saying–pornographic movies don’t have scripts. All you need is a girl and a light and a room. And that’s true. But you know what, some people want a little more. Someone has to come up with why stepsister got stuck in the laundry machine again.

And there are high-end films like Pirates and stuff by Wicked Pictures and Vivid and others. Those Wood Rocket parodies, terrible as they are, have a fair amount of dialogue. And there are erotica films (nice ones like Emmanuelle, not Blue Velvet or Secretary). And I’ve certainly watched enough material to be an expert in the genre.

The Sexy Movie (A Hotwife Romance) Revised: Working Girls: Book 1 - Kindle  edition by Semenov, Cathy. Literature & Fiction Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

I had an idea for a sexy movie based off of Rusalka, which is the Russian version of The Little Mermaid. I think there’s untapped potential in “woman as non-human” market, like Monster Musume or furries. A movie like that would be expensive — make-up and prosthetics and body paint that doesn’t rub off. You wouldn’t want a cheap script to bring it down.

File:May Irwin Kiss.ogv

But honestly, I’d be pretty happy being able to write a script even for a straight-to-video B-movie of any kind. Although I’d most like horror or sex. Hey, I’m setting unrealistic expectations anyway, why not? And someone had to write “Killjoy”.

I would like to be a political speechwriter. There are certain issues I’m passionate about, and I get real sick of not being able to do anything about it. My only options are to vote, which I can only do every four years, or “write to my congressman” which does fuck all. Do Matt Gaetz and Susan Collins act like they read any of their letters? So no, I’m not going to waste my talents on that.

But I’m not extroverted enough to be the guy who makes the change. I don’t have a likable personality. I’m not friendly. I can’t be insincere or dishonest. And I hate long meetings. I can’t be the guy who heads the charge. But I could be the neck that turns the head.

How to Become a Better Storyteller: Tips from Obama's Speechwriter,  Unpacked | by Steve Seager, Storywise | Medium

Being a speechwriter would be pretty cool, I think. I could nudge my ideas while someone else is my mouthpiece. Ben Stein was a speechwriter for Richard Nixon and he has some memorable stories from that time. Certainly some memorable speeches from that time (infamous, but that’s not Ben Stein’s fault). And I’ve heard a Moth story about a speech writer who worked personally with Bill Clinton. He even risked his job for integrity to preserve for what he’d written. And it was just a comedy speech.

No one listens to speeches anymore. There’s no Fireside Chats or “And now a special announcement from the President of the United States.” (I mean, yeah, I’d get hella pissed off when that interrupted prime time TV, but I think bringing back the personal presence of the commander-in-chief is important. Not just a tweet from @PresBiden saying “Get Vaccinated”).

But even if those existed would anyone listen? Today’s speeches aren’t sharp. They’re not brevitous. Their sentence structure is not meant for speaking. They don’t commit to anything. They hedge and hedge so that everyone’s happy and the result is no one is. Why don’t Americans listen? Because they’re not entertaining.

Jon Stewart explains why he quit 'The Daily Show' - POLITICO

But you can be entertaining AND informative. The Daily Show proved that. Last Week Tonight proved that. Fox News proved that. (I said “entertaining and informative”, not truthful.) We need something to get behind. The last memorable political slogan was Obama’s “HOPE”. A single word. That’s silly. We need a “We choose to go to the moon…” We need a “The only thing we have to fear…” The only time I get directed to viral speeches these days are commencements by funny people like Conan O’Brien and Jim Carrey. Books and movies have more motivational political lines than this.

“We burn, you burn with us.”

—The Hunger Games

“You don’t have to be the bad guy.”

—The Lego Movie

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

—Spider-Man

“We are cancelling the apocalypse.”

—Pacific Rim

“Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me… can’t get fooled again.”

—George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States of America, head of state and government of the most powerful nation in the world from 2001 – 2009

And I shouldn’t have to list any #45 quotes.

At work, the CEO and VPs always make sure to tell us how great everything is and what progress we’re going to make and how we’re going to make our product fantastic. But never about how we’re going to get there. Sounds a lot like today’s promises with no action plans. I’d want to change that, to give confidence to the people.

Ode to Remus/Sirius & Newsies...: remusxsirius — LiveJournal

I like to think I’m good at entertaining and editorializing, as this blog might prove. I’d love to make change, but I’d have to work with someone else. Like in Newsies, where Jack has the charisma and leadership and the guy from Glee tells him what to say. But every time I’ve been a leader I’ve fucked it up. I need to cater to my strengths and eschew being a figurehead. Besides, this way I don’t take the blame when scandal arises.

I would like to write licensed garbage. Okay, garbage is a bit harsh, but I’m assessing my own skill level here. One of my favorites authors is Peter David and some of my favorite books written by him are licensed Star Trek novels. Now I’m certainly not at Star Trek/Star Wars level, but there are all kinds of IP. Every time I’ve tried reading them, it’s always a disaster. I’ve tried Dishonored, Bioshock, Marvel’s She-Hulk, Disney’s Descendants, and even My Little Pony.

There was even a whole podcast dedicated to books about video games (not tips & tricks, like stories). Someone had to write them. I think it would be neat if it was me.

Of course, I wouldn’t want to be a content mill. I have more integrity than that. But I think it would be fun to write something like a Dungeons & Dragons novel. Just a space adventure or Golden Fleece quest that exists outside the realm of canon. I like lots of licensed IP–Marvel, Batman, Disney Princesses, Borderlands, Ghostbusters, Left 4 Dead, Mortal Kombat. I could even do obscure shit like The Evil Dead or Quake or Katawa Shoujo.

In Japan, they have a thing called the “light novel“. It’s just a novella and usually based on existing anime or manga. I think that could be perfect to introduce to the American market. They only seem to like doorstoppers–five-hundred-page behemoths. I don’t know why–it’s like they think a bigger book means more “intelligence points”.

All licensed fiction is fan fiction, just commissioned by the owner of the IP. I think it would be fun to take existing characters or an established universe, fuck everything up, then put it back together. I could do that, even for an IP I’m not too familiar with. Hell, it would be even better because I wouldn’t have reservations about taking chances with characters or plot.

Unenthusiastic is Hard to Type

this kid is not enthusiastic

It’s still hard to stay enthusiastic about writing.  I’m still writing, so it’s not like I stopped.  But what I’m writing now doesn’t require me to bring my “A game”.  It’s fan fiction, so it’s nice to write with no pressure.  But I haven’t sold a short story since (goes to look up answer) since July 2014.  A whole year and nothing.  Did the market change and no one told me?  My acceptance rate is down to 3.3%.  Guess I had my peak year.

I haven’t written any new short stories in quite some time either, so maybe that’s part of it.  I’ve been trying to write them, believe me, but they’re not panning out.  I either choke at the ending, or the whole thing needs severe rewrites.  I’ve been working on my very long fan fiction or “Merm-8” or “Defender” or my dwarf novella (which I have no idea how to sell — no one seems to be interested in novellas).

And then I finished “The Martian” by Andy Weir.  According to its notes, it was published online first, then self-published on Amazon, since readers wanted it in an easier format.  Then kept getting traction until it was picked up.  And now it’s a frickin’ movie.

It makes me wonder whether or not it’s easier just to publish something online and let the readers come to me.  But “The Martian” had that something special that other books don’t — a load of whiz-bang engineering and problem-solving and true science.  But also, it never gained traction with agents, so dropping it right into the readers hands was the only way to get their attention, like Amanda Hocking, E.L. James, and John Scalzi.  However, if I do that, do I become untouchable to agents and publishers, because the book/story has already been released online, it’s now said to be “published”.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m thinking about writing erotic fetish fiction.  I recently read this article on Cracked: 5 Secrets I Know About Women (From Writing Their Weird Porn)*.  It mystifies me that people would pay for it when so much is available for free, like on XNXX and LitErotica (sorry, I can’t link those.  I’m at work).  And there are other foibles (being prolific, self-publishing, finding a niche, Amazon’s arbitrary censorship).  Plus it’s been an idle fantasy of mine to write a script to a porn movie.  Like, one of the big budget ones.  The little ones can’t afford to have writers.

I’ve written similar things before (Milk & Honey, The Upgrades, parts of The Centaur Bride).  Whether or not I can write it well — enough to sell — I don’t know.  But I have no taboos or reservations about this kinda thing (lord knows I’ve studied enough materials) …  except that I wouldn’t put my name on it.  I’d use a pseudonym/identity.

And maybe it sounds selfish, but I want to be widely read.  I mean, me, Eric Juneau.  I want to make my mom proud and hold up my book and say, “See, I wrote this?  It can even go in the bookshelf with all your other books.”  I want to have weirdly drawn covers on mass market paperbacks with yellowing pages.  I want to be able to pull my book out of a bookshelf at Barnes & Noble and turn it out as if the booksellers wanted to feature it.  I want my kids to be able to say that daddy is an author.

Man, why’s this gotta be so hard?

*I sincerely doubt the majority of consumers of these books are women.

My Top Five Favorite Porn Stars: Internet Edition (A.K.A. The New Guard)

sex button keyboard

I divide my porn actresses into two eras because finally being bold enough to use porn from the Internet (not to mention having a computer strong enough) meant a transition.  Now I was holding a mouse in one hand instead of the remote. Instead of getting up, putting in a videotape, playing it, then taking out and hiding it again, there were files to bury in obscure directories. I had to learn how to masturbate vertically instead of horizontally.

It’s so hard to have an identity in porn these days, especially on the Internet. Not only do you have archives of the past to draw upon, every other scene out there is now on an equal level — no more producers or publishers needed.

And I do mean scenes, not movies. There are no movies anymore, just blocks of two to twenty, sometimes forty minutes of sex. Not to mention it’s all free. That means you gotta make enough impact that some website bothers to credit your performance, because the video clip won’t.

But nonetheless, some have figured out a way to do it. They’ve harnessed the Internet into the engine driving their careers, so much that they’ve got mainstream appeal. Let’s take a look at my favorites from this era.

Faye Reagan

You already know I love stars who break the mold, and here’s Faye Reagan (a.k.a. Faye Valentine). One word: Freckles. In the old days, no porn star would dare show up to set with even the slightest blemish on her porcelain skin. And today’s world of high definition digital pornography only amplifies each discoloration and dent. But Faye proves that no one cares.

And she doesn’t have just a few freckles. She’s a redhead. Her face is covered with them. She’s got the skin of a desert lizard. So you must think she’s got to have something else to make her stand out, like she’s 400 pounds or can stuff a bowling ball in her vagina. Nope. Then it must be she has ginormous breasts. What’s that? She’s only a B-cup? Well, maybe she’s tall. What? She’s 5’4″?

Yeah, she’s just an average redhead. Except there’s nothing average about her performance. She’s great in every scene — solo, male, lesbian, threesome, group. She’s like a flavoring you didn’t know existed, one that compliments everything. Plus she’s a competent actor — a skill which has become even less necessary for plotless videos. With her hazel eyes and fantastic smile, she’s a feast for the senses.

Jenna Haze

Jenna Haze is another girl who doesn’t have a large chest, but makes up for it with personality. I first heard of her not from her body or random browsing, but her voice. When I used to do Hentai reviews for another site (a long, long lifetime ago), she was a voice on “Immoral Sisters“. It didn’t entice me to learn more about her, but she started popping up on the front page more and more. And from the first scene, I knew she was a keeper.

Like Faye, she’s a B-cup and 5’3″, though she looks taller than she really is thanks to her body shape and light weight. She also has the added asset of a great ass and nice skin. I’ve seen her in more butt videos than any other, but she’s always enthusiastic and orgasms frequently.

I consider her analogous to Brittany O’Connell. Both have a girl-next-door look and an unassuming, approachable demeanor (not that I’d ever have the balls to get within five hundred feet). But they’re nymphomaniacs as soon as the door closes or the camera rolls. As she’s demonstrated from a diverse career, she’s commits herself to her job and throws herself into the moment.

Gianna Michaels

I was surprised to find she’s actually the same age as Jenna. She looks older than she is, but that gives the expression of experience.

If Jenna Haze is to Brittany O’Connell, then Gianna Michaels is to Jeanna Fine. She has great, huge breasts and enormous ass. I love that she’s so curvy, bouncy, and can play to various roles. Especially the ones where she wears glasses.

Her other quality that makes her special is her ability to laugh during sex. A lot of performers continue playing the role they’re supposed to be in the scene. But Gianna has this unique ability to giggle or joke with her fellow performers. I don’t consider this breaking the fourth wall. I consider it a refreshing dose of reality. It shows she’s having a good time, and it shows that she’s really into the act.

Melissa Milano
(a.k.a. Daisy Dukes)

I’m glad I made this list. I thought I’d lost this girl. She just started going under a different name. But I’ll post her as Melissa Milano, since that’s what I knew her as. I’ve only seen her in a few scenes, but she really stood out. She’s spritely, funny, chirpy. Like Gianna, she can laugh at the camera.

She has nice skin, bright brown eyes, and a cute hairstyle. She’s just all-around adorkable. There’s lots of jailbait, Lolita-looking girls out there, but Melissa’s the only one who ever pulls it off without making you feel guilty. She utilizes her stature in her performance, letting herself be carried, tossed around.

She has a small filmography, at least compared to others on these lists. And in some of her later scenes, she’s starting to look drugged out. I hope she bounces back, because she has a lot of potential.

Misti Dawn

How could I not put this girl on the list? I do like my alternative girls. I guess it’s just part of my male genetics, and diversity is the spice of life. Plus, you can always count on them for energy and interest. But this one shoots to the top of my list thanks to her love of video games. She even has video game tattoos. The big breasts and red hair don’t hurt either.

She started as a Suicide Girl, and jumped into mainstream porn. Now she’s even a director for Machinima.com. The interesting thing is she seems to take a submissive position in most of her roles. One doesn’t expect that of a girl with such a commanding visual presence. I’m hoping she can get into more diverse castings in the future.

Honorable Mentions

Sophia Dee

I’ve only been recently introduced to Sophie Dee and was immediately taken by her bright blue eyes. When I finally got the chance to see her in action, I also delighted in her charming accent and full-figured body. She’s like a British Gianna Michaels or a modern Nici Sterling (but without the twigginess). She also has one of the best breast augmentations I’ve seen, going into dangerous 36F territory.

Stoya

I haven’t seen that much of her, but she’s made an impact beyond porn thanks to her outspoken-ness on feminism in porn, her friendship with Neil Gaiman, and her dedication to improving her craft (she went to Europe to learn “sex acrobatics”). She seems like a fascinating girl, and I always like to see women with ambition. Most porn actresses get ahead simply by overwhelming quantity, not cultivated talent. And from what I’ve seen, it looks like she enjoys every second of her job.

Mandy Morbid

Speaking of alternative girls, you don’t get much more alternative than Mandy Morbid. The name alone is enough to spin your compass. She has one of the best bodies I’ve ever seen, and I always wonder what she’d look like if she was “normal” (hope that’s not an offensive term), and why she chose to alter her appearance into “pornographic Tank Girl”. Not that I’m saying she needs to change — she’s a top-notch player.

My Top Five Favorite Porn Stars: VHS Edition (A.K.A. The Old School)

VHS Poster

You’d never know it to meet me, but I’ve always been fascinated by the sex industry. Strippers, prostitutes, toy makers, hire-able dominatrices. But I only observe from a distance. I’m sure I’d fall into a quivering bowl of jelly if any of those assertive women approached me.

In 1996 (thereabouts), my dad got a “black box“. This was when cable was pretty basic — PPV was the best it had. No On Demand or music channels. What I would do is wait until I was sure my dad had gone to bed. And this happened rarely because my dad always fell asleep on the couch with the light on, watching TV. I’d rarely still be awake when he went to bed at 4AM. But on the occasions he did, it was time to strike, even if I had to get out of my comfy mattress at 11.

I’d put in a blank VHS tape, turn it to the Spice Channel, and set it to record. I got eight tapes of bliss this way. Years later, I connected two VCRs and compiled the highlights of all eight tapes into one. That was a good weekend.

All the material was semi-softcore. One X. Higher than Skinemax, but lower than the Playboy Channel. They didn’t show any penises or orifices. All the blow jobs were from the eyes up. But I don’t think I was ready for the hard stuff anyway (all those juices everywhere, the flaps of skin… yuckers).

But you know what, seeing the gushy parts isn’t that important. Every actor and actress has those, and they’re all relatively similar. What matters is enthusiasm, sincerity. The ugliest actress who’s into it is more arousing than the slutty blond stick figure picked off the street.

And I saw so many of those. Men and women who just laid there, mugged for the camera with dull expressions, or stood stock still. Ones who looked uncomfortable (a lot probably were) or drugged (a lot probably were). But the worst sin in any entertainment is to be boring.

I like my woman curvy, vivacious, and enjoying what they do. That’s all any man wants out of a woman for sex. For men, sex is pizza. It’s very hard to ruin pizza. And these were my top five women of the VHS years (i.e., pre-internet) who made the best pizza.

Brittany O’Connell

A lot of porn actresses and movies claim to be the “girl next door“, appealing to the Mary Ann audience. Most actresses interpret this moniker loosely, and act like narcissistic starlets or flashy queen bees. They’re indistinguishable from the stereotypical porn actress. Girls next door should be unassuming, cute, honest. Someone at your level. Granted, it’s all lies in porn, but that’s why it’s called acting. I don’t know who’s defining “girl next door” for these people, but it needs to be re-explained.

But not to Brittany O’Connell. She looks unassuming, like she doesn’t quite belong in porn. Her nose is a little big, she has a soft face with nice pale skin, gentle eyes, and cute bangs. She could be the girl at the supermarket, and you’d have no idea she’s a nympho. Maybe that’s part of the charm.

I’ve seen her play roles that she doesn’t look like at all, like a corporate executive or a dominatrix. I think that’s what gets me. She appears to have a likable, approachable personality. But in the sack, she’s passionate and turned-on, a little bit wistful. She’s not terribly steamy, but you don’t always need that.

Jeanna Fine

If anyone asks me (and no one has) I say that Jeanna Fine is my favorite porn actress of all time. There are probably better actors out there now, with better skills, better bodies. My favoritism is purely due to childhood attachment, which sounds wrong.

I was immediately drawn to Jeanna because of her “chattiness”. Not many other actresses, at least at this time, talked during sex. Nowadays, they spout standard trite phrases like “give it to me” and “fuck that pussy”. Jeanna was able to expand and improvise around her actions.

She could range from aggressive to passive in the same scene. She’d be angrily looking at the camera one second talking to you, the next she’s staring off into space, overwhelmed and resigned to the throes of ecstasy. In every scene, she was present and active. She convinced you that she loved what she was doing.

Her body was great too. (I’m only saying “was” because she’s retired. She’s not dead or anything.) She had large breasts (implants, minus points for that) and a large ass. She wasn’t skinny. She was older and had a darker complexion than most other actresses, which gave her the guise of experience. She wasn’t fumbling or experimenting. She knew what she wanted, she liked it, and she wanted more of it.

Asia Carrera

Most Asian girls in porn are presented as waify, chirpy schoolgirls to be raped and abused. You can’t tell if they’re making sounds of pain or pleasure. Not Asia Carrera. She’s not your typical Asian girl — she’s half-Japanese, half-German (I love her real name — Jessica Steinhauser). She has long, luxurious black hair and a great smile. Her hips are a little wider, and her breasts aren’t tiny or Minka-huge. She’s a little on the tall side — certainly taller than typical Asians. She has beautiful, big oriental eyes that indicate there’s something going on behind them.

And there is. At 15, she played piano at Carnegie Hall. At 16, she was teaching college. Not attending. Teaching. (English at college in Japan). She got an academic scholarship to Rutgers. She was one of the first celebrities with Internet fame, coding her own website (like contemporary Wil Wheaton). She plays Unreal Tournament and wrote for Maximum PC magazine. Most other actors are branded as “porn for life”, but not her. She was the hawt geek girl before we knew such a thing existed.

But let’s talk about her on-camera performance. I don’t know much about her character-acting ability — the random movies I recorded never showcased her talent. But her sex-acting ability was superb. I was particularly fond of her MFF threesome scenes and her ability to orgasm on screen. Nowadays, that’s pretty common. Either girls are more comfortable on screen or they’re better actors. But back then, all you got was “um”s and “ah”s with no conclusion. Not from Asia Carrera.

Nina Hartley

Nina Hartley’s a smartie too. She graduated magna cum laude and was a registered nurse, using stripping to fund her college.

Nina Hartley was the first MILF, before that became a thing. She was the oldest porn actress I ever saw (in 1995), and she looks it. She has wrinkles, weathered eyes, sagging breasts, less-than-perfect skin. I’m not saying that as an attack — this is a testament to her staying power. It shows that it’s not about how much you win, it’s about how hard you try.

And Nina Hartley tries. She holds the record for most movies (almost a thousand) and probably has one of the longest careers. And at 53, she’s STILL performing. She says it’s because of her blue eyes and her big ass + small waist. I attribute it to her attitude.

Me, personally, I like the wrinkles and stuff. It shows wear, that she’s been around. And she uses that experience in her scenes. Just because something’s new doesn’t make it better. Like Jeanna Fine, she knows what she wants and has no compunction about asking for it. That takes a load off a man’s mind in bed — we’re always worried we’re doing something wrong and not being told. You never have to worry about that with Hartley. She demonstrates confidence in herself, her looks, and her body. And that is the sexiest of all.

Stacy Valentine

There are two main reasons I like Stacy Valentine. One is that she has an interesting look to her. She has a large forehead, flawless skin, naturally blond hair (fun fact: only 5% of women are naturally blond) and European blue eyes. There’s a little meat-fat under her bones, which I like. You get a lot of bony chicks boning in porn.

The other thing I like is that she’s not afraid to get sweaty. In just about all the scenes I see of her, a shiny sheen appears on her back after a while, no doubt induced by the hot lights and physical activity. I love that about her.

Now that I read over this, I’m realizing that the commonality between these women are that they’re not afraid to be themselves, to show that they’re not in the mold of what society thinks is the perfect woman. They have nuances, blemishes, humanity. They’re not sex-having robots, which porn seems to think we want.

Honorable Mentions

Sarah Jane Hamilton

She’s a redhead with a great body. She reminds me a little of the Wendy’s girl, Morgan Smith Goodwin, and the only reason I’m mentioning that is because its one of my most popular posts.

Patricia Kennedy

I didn’t realize she shared a scene with Brittany O’Connell until I looked her up on the IAFD. It took me forever just to find out her name, which is unusual because she has a distinctive look. She has a broken nose, teeth that are a little spaced, thick lips. She has a gritty feel to her, similar to Jeanna Fine, which turns me on.

My two favorite scenes are one where she plays Cleopatra and has a threesome (with the aforementioned Brittany O’Connell) and one where she wears a French Maid outfit.

Krista Maze

I never really knew this girl’s proper name. The problem with porn movies is they have zero ending credits, which doesn’t help when you start recording a movie part way through. Thus I always thought her name was Melissa Hill or Misty Rain or Missy. As you can see, I was way off.

The most distinctive things about this girl are her cute bangs and her large brown eyes. I never saw her do much acting, and to be honest, most of her appeal is in her down home looks. But she’s very cute and shares a girl-next-door vibe with Brittany O’Connell. I love the way she arches her back.

Nici Sterling

Another entry with exoticism. Most of Nici Sterling’s appeal came from the fact she was British. She was the only porn actress with an English accent I saw around this time, and that just melts anyone. She had dark hair, a jutting chin, and classic English teeth.