• Some YouTube Videos Worthy of Getting My Like

    The first video I ever liked (apparently) was Hannah Hart’s Pizza video from… let me check… ELEVEN YEARS AGO? We were all just babies back then. That’s like… 1997? I’m not sure why–I recall liking “Tacos” and “Grilled Cheese” better (“butter yo shit”). I bet I was drunk at the time. When I rewatched this, I realized Hannah Hart reminds me of my daughter, and I have no problem with that. I was in this anthology and the editor put together a book trailer for it. I love book trailers. Actually I love trailers in general. So if you like names, find mine at 2:09. This was just just a…

  • pixels movie poster

    Why Video Game Movies Keep Failing

    Why do video game movies keep failing? Look at this list: Not one cracks through the “fresh” barrier. Not one above 50%. Not one broke $400 million. Yet, they keep on coming. “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” is the highest grossing of them all and it had fuck all to do with the video game. Not to mention white-washing several characters. It was the John Carter of its time (which was actually at about the same time, directed by Jerry Bruckheimer, he of “The Lone Ranger” and “G-Force”, the movie about spy hamsters). “Resident Evil” movies have had some success, but they’re full of tedious action and zero…

  • sonic the hedgehog car

    Sonic Is Too Fast

    I’m not the first one to say this, and I’ve already branded myself as a Nintendo fanboy, so my words will have little bearing. But for all the Sonic nostalgia love, hasn’t anyone realized the concept behind the Sonic games is completely stupid? Here’s the thing: what is the principle behind Sonic? Go fast. As fast as possible. What happens when you go as fast as possible? You run into spikes. You fall off a cliff. You smash into an enemy. You drop into a lake. You launch into a wall. Any bonuses you collect are useless because as soon as you touch something bad, you lose them all. You…

  • anita sarkeesian video games

    Anita Sarkeesian and the Adventures in Video Land

    I feel like I gotta get this off my chest, because it’s been on my mind lately. (Don’t you love blog posts about stuff that happened weeks ago?) First some backstory you already know. Anita Sarkeesian has done a lot of YouTube videos, most notably stuff relating to feminism. I respected her views — I learned a lot about the Bechdel test, on how it’s best applied (as in not per movie, but on a less-than-scientific global/informal level). She made sound points. She seemed intelligent. She made a Kickstarter to do a series about women and/in video games. For some reason, this drew down the thunder of the Internet gods,…

  • My Top Ten Hottest Women Who Aren’t Real (10 through 7)

    10. Rosalina I had some trouble with the number ten spot, whether to put Rosalina or Peach here (and for a time, it was Magica DeSpell. Jeez, what was I thinking?). Peach has some cute aspects, but ultimately I decided that A) Peach is still pretty damn annoying, always getting kidnapped and B) Peach has only gotten hot in recent years. Before that she was obnoxiously saccharine, bland, and no matter what incarnation, her voice was grating. She only achieved notoriety with me by donning skimpy bathing suits and tennis outfits in fan art. I probably wasn’t supposed to write that part. Rosalina, however, has always been hot. She’s tall,…

  • Top 5 Best Bowser Fights

    5. Super Mario 64 (N64) This is the first time the world has seen Bowser in 3-D.  And, granted, he looked like one of those plush knock-offs you win at the carnival, but he’s still imposing.  Killing Bowser here involves doing something you’ve never done before — working with the 3-D space. In the first two Bowser fights, all you need to do is toss him into a single bomb.  If you miss, he leaps back on to the platform and continues coming at you… very… slowly. But he can rotate like a mofo, so you gotta turn tight circles around him until you can grab his stubby tail (assuming…

  • mailtoad mario galaxy

    Super Mario Galaxy – The Mailtoad

    I’ve been playing Super Mario Galaxy lately, and usually when you load your game, there is a mailtoad waiting there with a letter from Peach. The letter says something like “It’s tough collecting all the stars. I hope this will help you on your journey.” And she’s enclosed 5 1-Ups. This is what I’d be saying if I was Mario. MAILTOAD: Hey, Mario. I have a letter from you from Peach! Do you want to read it? MARIO: You got a letter for me? From Peach? MAILTOAD: Yep, sure do. You want to open it? MARIO: Wait, wait, wait. Peach–the girl who Bowser kidnapped in his castle/spaceship which is surrounded…

  • super mario rpg box cover

    Video Game Memories #13: Super Mario RPG

    Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars (1996) Super Mario RPG was the first RPG I ever owned. You might be looking at my side bar going “Huh? And how many posts tagged with Final Fantasy do you have?” I didn’t like RPGs as a kid. Why would I want to play a game where you attack a guy with math, instead of a sword? I didn’t like the idea of letting numbers determine whether or not I could kill a guy, instead of how fast you can hit the guy with your sword while avoiding the other guy’s. That’s what battles are about, not hit points and strength,…