• large marge pee wee's big adventure

    My Kindertrauma: Large Marge

    Probably the definition of true kindertrauma. I can’t think of anything more iconic than this nightmare fuel. I remember distinctly fast-forwarding through this part when I watched it on VHS. It was just too scary. It’s bad enough that stop-motion is creepy-looking as hell (see House on Haunted Hill for a great example). There’s not much I can say about it that hasn’t been said. Let’s break it down, see if that helps. The movie’s had some dark areas up to this point, but nothing ridiculous. Pee Wee hitchhikes with a criminal, but has to dress in drag to get past a roadblock. There are a few odd visual gags…

  • blood shower drain

    My Kindertrauma: The Hippo Song

    You know what they don’t have anymore? Children’s music. I mean, I don’t think it was ever popular, but it existed. I guess it’s because children don’t have disposable income, and parents don’t want to listen to that kind of dreck. Also, there’s no avenue for kids to pick up new stuff. When I was your age, we had a thing called the radio to hear new music. By the time they’re old enough to operate YouTube they find stuff like Willow Smith and Justin Bieber. The closest equivalent, Radio Disney, well… it doesn’t play kid’s music. I looked at the Top 30 chart and all the names I recognize…

  • five nights at freddy's fazbear jumpscare

    Why Am I So Damn Fascinated By Five Nights at Freddy’s?

    I think it got popular because of the Let’s Plays. It’s always fun to watch people freak out. Bill Cosby said when a person is scared, that’s the only time they’re really being themself. I’ve been watching Let’s Play’s, reading the entire FN@F wiki, playing the memes. Yet I don’t own the game, and don’t plan to. It’s all jumpscares. I hate jumpscares for two reasons. They’re cheap and meaningless ways to control the audience. And I hate the way jumpscares make me feel, like a weak little kitten, manipulated, afraid of everything. Just like elementary school. Yes, I have a double standard. Deal with it.* So why am I…

  • the exorcist image

    I’m Not Scared of The Exorcist

    As long as I’m making confessions, why don’t I do something more in theme with Halloween.  I’ve never understood why people find “The Exorcist” scary. They say it’s the scariest movie ever made, but I don’t see it. I’ve always figured it must be something you have to be Christian to understand. The demon never does anything. She throws up, crawls around the ceiling, cranks her head around, floats. But she stays in bed the whole time. They cure her with bibles and holy water. Sure, I wouldn’t want that to happen to my daughter, but it’s Father Korras’s story. He’s the protagonist — he’s the one that changes. He’s the…

  • snake eating lizard

    Reincarnation

    One of my worst fears is to be reincarnated as an insect or some other small prey animal.  You are guaranteed a horrible, painful death.  You are most likely to get destroyed by some other animal, if you don’t smash on a windshield or become some toddler’s torture toy. And animals are not kind to each other.  If you can avoid getting your head ripped off after mating, or torn apart in a ant vs. termite war, you’re guaranteed to get eaten.  You’ll become old and slow, and eventually you won’t be able to avoid that flicking tongue. And it’s not like there’ll be a crunch and instant death either.…

  • HBO’s Braingames

    I was going over old ’80s shows for a future article when I came across something I’d totally forgotten about. A lost gem from my early years: Braingames. Braingames was only on HBO, a channel that was fortunately present in my youth. Thanks to it, I got to see Fraggle Rock and a host of movies my dad recorded. Uncensored, commercial-free, and unedited — the way movies were supposed to be. Apparently, it used to be a half-hour show, but when I saw it, it was broken into single-game vignettes that filled time gaps between blocks of children’s programming or movies. This was the SCARIEST FUCKING THING I had ever…