I am forty years old and I still don’t remember a time I haven’t seen Short Circuit, my favorite movie. The big emotional climax is where Number 5 and his programmer are trying to prove that he’s “alive”. And after several psychological tests, Newton Crosby (Ph.D.) gets the idea to see if he laughs spontaneously at a joke. It’s a beautiful moment with swelling music and epic victory. Except I don’t understand the joke. I never have. It seems to be something to do with Jewish humor. It’s either anti-semitic or poking gentle fun at Judaism. Does it have something to do with the fact Jews believe God is more…
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Was Carrie Justified?
I was talking with my wife last night about scary movies. Carrie came up. I said didn’t understand what scared her about it because I saw Carrie as a revenge/comeuppance story, not a horror movie. Then she stared at me, horrified. And I asked what I could say next that wouldn’t end with me sleeping on the couch. Because Carrie is a powerful moment in story-telling. Maybe not the strongest, but definitely a pulse. It jumpstarts Stephen King’s influence in horror and he’s no stranger to the “revenge” plot. He also wrote Rage (which literally is about a disenfranchised student taking over a classroom with a gun) and Roadwork (a…
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What of the Eternals Trailer?
So The Eternals trailer came out a day or two ago. I’ve never seen anything about Eternals from the comics or Legendary or video games or anything else. I’m coming into this trailer fresh and without bias. And I’m telling you, this movie’s going to be a hard sell for me. The trailer is pretty vague, but from what I gather, some aliens come to primitive Earth (proto-Sumeria, I’m thinking?) in a big-ass triangle ship. They settle down and integrate into society, controlling human development over the centuries (I guess they’re immortal… oh, that’s why they’re called Eternals, I get it now). Overall, the concept sounds similar to Thor —…
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TENET: A Beautiful Picture of Ugly Content
I don’t mean ugly as in problematic or controversial. There’s nothing jagged or worth “canceling” (so take that Hollywood — you don’t need to be provocative to catch attention). I love most Christopher Nolan movies. I loved the Dark Knight trilogy and The Prestige and Memento and Inception. But I was tepid on Interstellar and Man of Steel and didn’t see Dunkirk. But after the word-of-mouth reaction, I was dreading when Netflix would deliver that DVD. But it was the biggest movie of the year, so I had to watch it. Find out what everyone was talking about. I didn’t… I didn’t like it. And here are my thoughts on…
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Lord of the Rings FAQ: Answers for Simpletons (Like Me)
Every time I read a The Lord of the Rings FAQ, I’m more confused than when I started. The reason is Tolkien left a lot of notes and drafts and letters, all compiled into posthumous publications. And there’s no production company keeping tabs on what’s “canon” like Star Wars or Star Trek. So I tried to make a comprehensive but “simple” FAQ compilation of the questions I still have or keep seeing. But first, some term definitions. Eru Ilúvatar = Ultimate God of Middle-earth, creator of all the Valar (other gods) and Maiar (demi-gods)Valar = (Singular: “Vala”) Other gods, lower in rank to Eru Ilúvatar. Think of them as Greek…
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Why Did John Carter Fail?
I watched John Carter for the first time (on Disney+) and had some thoughts. Film buffs like to talk about John Carter. The movie was supposed to be a big new franchise for Disney, but it became a famous bomb. I don’t think it was poor marketing. Good word of mouth can outdo mediocre advertising and reach. That’s what happened with War Horse and The Greatest Showman and The Blind Side and the new Jumanji and especially Iron Man — no one expected much out of superhero movies after the Incredible Hulk and Fantastic Four duds. I don’t think it was a lack of star power. I don’t go to…
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I Hate the Scott Pilgrim Movie and You Should Too
I hate the Scott Pilgrim movie. You’d think I wouldn’t because it’s all about video games and meet-cutes and boy heroes and martial arts. But it’s just so misogynist and every character’s an asshole. Even the good guys. Stage 1: Bad Casting I hate Michael Cera (as an actor, I’m sure he’s a fine person). Some actors just rub me the wrong way and seem wrong for any role they’re in. I feel the same about Matthew Broderick, Kristen Stewart, Tom Cruise, Shia LaBeouf, and Ashton Kutcher. They’ve never done anything wrong in my eyes. They’re just… bad to watch. And Michael Cera’s top of the list for me. I…
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Don’t Think About It
If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts, then repeat to yourself “It’s just a show, I should really just relax…” These are the last lyrics of the theme song to Mystery Science Theater 3000. This caveat exists because the premise of the show isn’t about the setting or characters or universe. It’s about making fun of bad movies. You don’t need an aesthetic for that (and in fact, RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic have proven you don’t). It’s just some pleasant decoration around the content. A wrapper. It’s not meant to be thought about. And yet people do. There are countless fan fictions, fandoms, cosplay, puppet…
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The Flaw in the Defense of “Cuties”
Anyone justifying the existence of Cuties is missing a crucial aspect of the puzzle. The plot is the same thing as “Bend It Like Beckham”, but meaner. We all know the huge problem with it–it sexualizes twelve- and thirteen-year-olds in the context of modern dance. Its defenders say the movie is actually a critique of the hypersexualization young women. That it’s presenting the content in a negative light. It’s about the “dangers” of such activity. That’s bullshit. There are 2-3 minute montages of them dancing outside, on stairs, on a stage. Wearing revealing outfits. Twerking, thrusting their hips, gesturing to their vaginas. That’s not criticism, that’s a music video. You…
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Field of Dreams is Stupid and You’re Stupid for Liking It
Boy I’m getting all my controversial opinions out, aren’t I? Field of Dreams is on everybody’s “Best Movies” lists, but it’s a stupid movie and no one understands why. I guess because it makes them “feel good”. Which, I guess, is fine — art is supposed to make you feel something. I suppose it’s satisfying to see a jerkass yuppie blowhard get his comeuppance or an affirmation that the life choices you made weren’t mistakes or to see a grown man get a second chance to bond with his father. And it all hinges around baseball. That god-given, American-as-apple-pie (suspiciously-similar-to-English-cricket) sport of kings and peasants. It’s Hollywood’s go-to pastime and…
