So I watched the first two episodes of “Agatha All Along” and despite the great acting from Kathryn Hahn and Aubrey Plaza, the set design, the fast pacing, I can see that Disney is making the same mistakes. The same things that brought down The Acolyte, She-Hulk, Secret Invasion, Willow, and so on. And I can sum up all the problems in one sentence.
What is the Witch’s Road?
First of all, you cannot afford to make any mistakes when you’re trying to spin off a third tier character like Agatha Harkness. I’m sure she’s someone in the comics, but in the MCU, she’s a third-tier character. Iron Man/Captain America are the core, the storyline of Wanda (and Vision) spins-off after Avengers 2, and continues in Civil War and Endgame (but always as support), until getting a starring role in WandaVision. And Agatha is a supporting character in that, not the star. If you want us to latch onto Agatha, you have a long row to hoe.
So therefore, you have got to SELL me on this. You’ve got to promise that Agatha’s worth spending time with. That there’s something in it for me–something new and interesting. Something that’s worth my eyeballs, something that will give me a satisfying viewing experience. And in writing, you do that by giving me a good hook.
And the Witch’s Road is not a good hook. Why? Because I know nothing about it. At the end of the first two episodes, I still know nothing about it. You might as well call it the Super-dee-duper Road of Joy or the Witch-hiker’s Highway or Maguffin Street. It’s not a well-known “thing” like adamantium or Wakanda. Sure, it’s apparently the way for to restore her powers (and give gifts to the other witches that she randomly found on the street). So it just grants wishes? Like a genie? Then just make it a genie. Why does it have to be a road (besides that meta reason that they need to squeeze eight episodes out of a no-name)? Why does it need such a catchy song to access it?
And the last thing we see in episode two is them walking down this road. And apparently they have to take off their shoes to do this. Why? Unless I missed something, no one ever said anything about this. Why do they have to trek down like they’re hobbits in middle-earth?
So you’ve got to sell me on the Witch’s Road as a concept. I know nothing–how to get to it, where it lives, what’s on it, how she knows about it, if there’s a time limit, why it exists. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the comics or not–it’s not a piece of the MCU that they could build on, like the tesseract or one of Doctor Strange’s toys. It’s just come out of clean air, so you need to tell me why it’s important. Not that it’s a genie for witches. Tell me what it is–its history, its dangers, its benefits, its costs.
First rule of writing–you cannot just shove stuff into the story without setup (actually that’s not the first rule, but who’s counting?). That’s like serving a cake before you baked it. You are putting the effect before the cause. The punchline before the joke. The prestige with no pledge or turn. Sure, there are movies like “Pulp Fiction” where the maguffin has no explanation, but Disney, you are not Quentin Tarantino.
To me, it just seems like it came out of nowhere. “How will I get my powers back?” “I know, we’ll use the Witch’s Road.” We have had twenty years of MCU nonsense and this is the first time I’ve heard of it. They don’t even relate it to the Darkhold, which, although its existence is still pretty murky, at least it’s SOMETHING we know about. Something we can anchor to. It’s a shared universe–share some things.
There’s other stuff that I’m not thrilled about, like the kid in the closet who can’t say his name–who he is, what he wants. And the other witches that were picked up from nowhere (they have potential as characters, but I don’t have a reason to be invested in them, they came on so quick). But I’m sure they will be explained eventually. Probably not well, but they will be explained.
I have a bad feeling this is going to be like all the other shows (especially Star Wars stories)–it should have been a movie. The Acolyte especially should have been a movie more than a series. (Two out of eight episodes are flashbacks?!) But in order for Disney Plus to make it look like it’s worth subscribing to, it’s got to stretch the story out too long. If you’re going to do that, we might as well go back to making twenty-two episodes. At least then we’d only have to wait a year between seasons.
