So I saw this xweet the other day and it gave me some food for thought. Bit of a paradigm shift. The basic message is “you shouldn’t have to ask your wife what needs to be done. You should already know and just do it.” You shouldn’t ask for what’s on her plate. You should know what’s on the plate, then take it off. You share the plate after all. And if you’re not, you’re using weaponized incompetence.
I don’t think this statement is necessarily true.
I think it can be used as such. But I consider weaponized incompetence to be closer to this.
As you can see, Bart is either incapable of doing the task or pretending to so he doesn’t have to do work while seeming like he’s helping. Either way, the effect is the same–Marge ends up doing everything. But Bart is not supposed to be the role model here.
The argument above assumes that the husband is acting in bad faith. That he’s pretending to care and wants to help, when in reality he doesn’t want to do anything. But still wants credit for trying. (As if there’s some kind of prize at the end of the day that he can trade his “nice guy” tickets in for.)
But I believe most husbands sincerely DO want to help. However, they don’t know what needs being done, because they don’t keep track. Or that they don’t know the BEST way to help. They might not know what the biggest priority is at the time or what’s already been done. They don’t have surveillance on the house 24/7.
It could be that us males are treating this like we do our work/jobs. At work, we get told what to do. We get our orders, stuff placed in our inbox, a known list of tasks to do. And we do it. That’s how we work and centuries of that is planted in our brain. We have bosses to give us marching orders. And work does not reward people who take initiative or put more on their plate.
I know that’s certainly my perspective because I very much often ask my wife what I can do to help, because I have free time and I’ve already played video games for three hours. I want to be productive and loving through service. But I don’t know what’s the biggest priority at the moment.
To the end of testing the theory above, I’ve taken on mowing the lawn now without being asked. Do I get anything extra for this? Do I get a happier wife or a chore trade? Not so far.
The other thing is that I often get told what to do anyway, then yelled because I’m not doing it right. Or more accurately, I’m not doing it the way SHE wants it to be done.
And that’s where this theory falls. If you ask me to do something or I do it without being prompted, you cannot get mad when I do it my way. If I’m making the mashed potatoes, I’m going to make them with a bit more butter and salt because I like it that way. I’m going to mow the lawn a little shorter because then it doesn’t need to be done as often. This is not to her satisfaction, but it is to mine. Which means either she’ll have to do it herself next time (which negates the whole message above) or live with it not being to her standards.
Also, there’s the fact that now I’m adding chores to my repertoire. And how many chores should I add before the balance starts to get unfair and now I’m doing everything.
This is going to be a weird statement, but at work we came up with the “Dog Poop in the Park Theory”. The theory goes that, let’s say there’s a city park. And there’s a lot of dog poop in the park because people aren’t cleaning up after their dogs. Everyone should be responsible for cleaning up their own dog’s messes. But they don’t.
But you want a poop-free park. You’re tired of the smell of poop, of walking through it. So one day you just spend the entire day cleaning it up. There’s headlines and accolades and congratulations and thanks. You get your picture in the paper, key to the city, and a gift card of $25 to Arby’s.
But slowly, the poop starts to build back up. Because people are lazy and don’t change unless there are consequences. So you clean it all up again. It’s not fair, but you want a poop-free park. Fewer accolades this time. You already got the key to the city. But you get a $10 card to Subway.
Park fills up with poop again. And again. And now the people not only don’t want to clean it up. But now they know someone else is going to clean it up for them. It went from being a gift to being your expected duty. And the cycle continues and now you’ve accidentally given yourself a job that you’re not paid for, but people will get mad if you don’t do it.
I already feel like I’m doing a lot around here. More than my fair share. I know most husbands say that, but here is a list, and it’s not doctored to add favor to me. It comes from here, I just typed it out so I can manipulate the text.
WHAT I DO
DAILY
- Make bed
- Put dishes in dishwasher (they leave them on the counter)
- Empty dishwasher
- Clean dinner dishes
- Break down cardboard boxes
- Take dog out for night
- Take dog out in the morning
- Feed dog
WEEKLY/BIWEEKLY
- Pay bills
- Take out trash
- Take out recycling
- Mow lawn
- Empty robo-vacuum tank
- Weeding
MONTHLY OR MORE
- Replace furnace filter
- Refill water softener
- Clean air exchanger filters and core
- Wash dog
- Give dog monthly frontline and heartworm
- Keep track of tax documents
- Clean bathrooms (toilets, showers, sinks, mirrors, replace towels)*
* I don’t do this all the time. Sometimes she does it. Sometimes our daughter cleans her own bathroom because she prefers it that way. But I do it the majority of the time.
WHAT SHE DOES
DAILY
- Wipe counters
- Make dinner†
- Turn out lights
WEEKLY
- Grocery shopping/meal planning
- Schedule doctor/dentist appointments for the kids
† 2-3 times a week, she will call me from work and ask me to make dinner because she won’t get home on time. This ranges from heating leftovers to fully preparing a new meal.
In addition, there are bonuses, like helping put stuff away after boating even when I haven’t been boating myself. Or quitting my video game to run upstairs and help put away the groceries.
We both have jobs, so why am I doing so much? Because I care about getting things done. Because I want to show kindness to her. Because I want to be generous and a good person toward her. But am I getting anything back? Is she showing me any kind of affection or attention or thanks for any of this? No, because work drains her. She’s always tired at the end of the day. But this is not a marriage counseling blog.
As far as the original tweet, I guess it all depends on what kind of communication you have with your wife. Maybe mine isn’t so great.
