Today I was in the grocery store (something I can do in the middle of the day having no job and all) and since it was the middle of the day that means it’s all old ladies. Both servicing and being serviced. I was in the checkout line, and got behind two old wrinkled blue hairs. And they’ve all got their specialty items like organic frozen yogurt and non-GMO chicken and three boxes of Pagoda won tons. And they’re all slow about it because they’re old ladies. Slowly swiping stuff across the scanner. Slowly getting out the savings card. Slowly putting items in the bag. Slowly opening the bag. Slowly…
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Maudlin Should Be an “-ing” Verb
I guess I am kinda doing NaNoWriMo this year, but I’m not keeping track of my word count. There’s not really a point. I started late, since I was outlining for the first week. But I am in the middle of writing a novel in this November. I’m not really feeling it yet, but I’m hoping that’s because the personalities aren’t established yet. Or the main characters aren’t supposed to have chemistry in this first act. Been feeling real low lately. Lots of down-spiraling things in my life just making it crappy. Most of all is work. Now there’s nothing wrong with my work, it’s just stuck in a rut.…
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Finished Naga Story
Well, I finished naga story. No title yet (besides “Naga Hide” which is a bit too heady of a pun still). I’m not sure when I started (sometime in June?) but I was getting down 1700-1800 words per day consistently in the last quarter of it. It’s a full manuscript, rough draft as it is. 90,061 words. Just barely squeaked over that 90K mark, even though I had 70+ scenes. And it’s shite. It’s just shite, all of it. Remember how I said every word sounded juvenile and unsophisticated and disposable. Yeah, that never got better. Shite’s the only word I can call it, it’s the most appropriate. I don’t…
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Am I Losing My Touch?
So, I’m hard at work composing Naga Hide and I’m sending query letters for Dwarves of Katie Elder. I don’t know what to expect on that–it’s an unusal concept and short for swords-and-sorcery (and there’s little of either on the bookshelf). Writing on Naga Hide is going really fast — I can write 1400-1700 of prose in my lunch hour. I’m set to make 90,000 words easy. Does that mean I’m getting better at writing commercially? Problem is, nothing feels right. It all feels juvenile. Like I can’t write higher than middle school style prose. It’s a lot of dialogue, but really light on the imagery, on the internal thoughts,…
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I Don’t Do Well in Talk Therapy
Revision progress: Pages complete: 26% Word count reduction: 7.6% I do not do well in talk therapy. I just don’t open up. I am not cool with strangers, and it takes a lot of time and trust for me to open up like that. It’s a miracle I ever got married. My wife is a very understanding and patient soul. But I digress. Psychologists aren’t an option for me. It would be a waste of time. Oh, I’ve tried it. It didn’t work. I can’t do the face-to-face eye contact thing. Nobody uses a couch anymore, and I think that would work a lot better for me, if I was…
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Do I Want It Enough?
Pardon me while I show my straight white male privilege. One thing holding me back from being a true writer (with a capital “A”… I mean “W”) is that I am well-off. By day, I am a computer programmer. That’s an in-demand position. I get a near $100K salary and comfy benefits. And the reason I’m a computer programmer is because I went to college. And the reason I went to college is because my parents paid for it (so add “no student loan debt” to that list of reasons to hate me). And the reason they paid for it is because they could, by saving and being smart with…
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I Lack Empathy
I lack empathy. I mean, I don’t think I ever had empathy for people. I don’t give one hoot if they’re here or gone. I always assumed this was because I was bitter and depressed and angry for most of my life. But now that I’m on medication, I’m noticing that this not-caring is not going away. It’s not like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. I don’t think I have Asperger’s Syndrome or some sort of autism “thing” where just part of my brain is funny. I’m not sure I ever had it. Maybe this is why horror movies don’t affect me in the same why. I never understood…
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Another Hiatus
So another hiatus. Well, I call it a hiatus, but I should call it not doing my goddamn job. Not that it’s a job, just a hobby. But not committing yourself to the writing means you’re not writing. It’s not like knitting — you follow instructions, twist some yarn, and afterwards you got a cute little amigurumi. I will call him Squishy and he will be my Squishy. Writing is something that’s a creative endeavor. It means pulling something out of nothing. It means putting something out there that wasn’t there before. And that’s super hard. Unlike most other arts, it’s 100% sequential. One word has to follow the other.…
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More Complaining, More Discouragement, More Hopelessness
I’m still in a slump. I don’t think I’ve written anything all week. Not even opened up a document. Oh, I’ve had some good ideas for future stories. But no butt-in-seat, lunch-hour prose. I don’t call it Writer’s Block. It’s more like… Writer’s Fear. Because that’s how I feel. Afraid to write. Afraid that nothing I put down is going to be any good. Afraid that once it’s in tangible format, it ceases to be as good as the idea in my head. Afraid that I’ll never compare to those people like Nalo Hopkinson and Ted Chiang. Afraid that it’s all a big waste of time because no one’s ever…
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More
I know why I’m having trouble getting motivated to write. When a story idea exists in your head, it is perfect. It’s maybe a bit nebulous. Maybe it’s not a 100% from beginning to ending story. But it exists in a perfect state. It has no flaws. The characters are exactly who you imagine. The imagery is exactly how you expect it. No clumsy wording muddling things up. That creature you imagine? He’s perfect. He does everything you expect him to. He acts like you want. His pleas have the right tone. Your leading girl looks the way you want. The action is tight and quick, photographed and animated exactly…
