So I was going through some favorites I marked on Imgur that I’d forgotten about. Recipes, useful information, quotes. One of them was this sequence of posts.
To sum up, someone asks the question “Why aren’t there romance stories for men? Why is the romance genre is exclusively targeted at women?” And the provided answer (short version) is that, for women, love is something that “happens” to them. But men are the ones who have to work to make that happen. And this rings true to me. Here are some most loved romances by women to prove it.
In Pride & Prejudice, Darcy pursues Lizzy. Lizzy just kinda sits back and snarks on the things happening around her. Darcy is the one that takes all the actions that make Lizzie’s desire for him rise and fall. It’s like Darcy comes down in a hot air balloon and offers her a ride. She says no, so he leaves. She learns other things about him and wishes that hot air balloon would come back. Then it does, and happily ever after.
In Titanic, Jack is the one taking Rose everywhere. He saves her from committing suicide, takes her to the party in steerage, draws her while she just sits there naked. She is so in love she stays with Jack on the sinking ship (inaction) instead of getting in the lifeboat. Sure, she takes control of her life after the Titanic disaster, but not within the scope of the movie.
I changed my mind on this one. I just saw the movie and Rose does demonstrate a journey from powerlessness to agency. She starts being trapped in the upper class world of lavender wedding invitations and maids, then breaks free from that. She’s the one who asks Jack to draw her. She’s the one who drags Jack into the back seat and initiates sex. She spits in Cal’s face. She rescues Jack when he’s handcuffed, demonstrating tremendous courage. She jumps back onto the ship from the lifeboat Jack and Cal send her on. She swims to get the whistle when the lifeboat comes back. Rose gets the seal of approval.
In Romeo & Juliet, most of the camera time is on Romeo as he seeks Juliet. She waits on the balcony for him while he’s the one who climbs up. He’s the one who kills Tybalt. Meanwhile, Juliet sits there, waiting. In fact, the one action she takes during the play is to render herself catatonic while she waits. If she had been the one to deliver the letter to Romeo, the sad ending might never have happened.
In Dirty Dancing, “Baby” (quite the name) may be Johnny’s superior in class and social dynamic (he’s the waiter, she’s the customer) but he’s the one making the most actions. What things does Baby do? She “borrows” money from Daddy to pay for Johnny’s friend’s abortion. And when that abortion gets botched, what does she do? She raises her finger in the air (this is her big moment of volition) and says “I know! I’ll get Daddy!” Daddy is the one that gives Robbie (the douchebag pregnant-maker) his comeuppance by tearing up his letter of recommendation. Daddy should be the one dating Johnny, not Baby.
In Twilight, Bella Swan is known as one of the best (worst?) damsels-in-distress ever. Edward is the one who sneaks into her room. He has the sparkly vampire powers. He’s the one defending her from the vampire council (I don’t know how Twilight works, I never read it). Buttercup in The Princess Bride, Jennifer Love Hewitt from Can’t Hardly Wait, Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember, Rachel McAdams in The Notebook.
These are some of the most beloved romances, but in any of these examples, did the woman do anything? Did she act or react? Did she have any agency? Whatever choices or sacrifices she makes, none of them hold up to Ellen Ripley or Helen Parr or Clarice Starling or Imperator Furiosa or Buffy Summers.
Why is that? Because in all these examples, all the hunting, the courting, the labor, the actions, the choices, are done by men. They have to do the heavy lifting of proving to the women that he’s a catch. Like how the male bird builds the nest or does the dance to attract the female. He has to be funny or rich or own a dog or a car or raise a baby. He doesn’t know what kind of values she has deep down, so we’re hoping it’s a “yes”. Whereas the woman, they already know and persuasion only goes so far. The man takes all the risks, and carries the weight of the consequences of those risks.
Then what do men want when it comes to love? They want to be loved without the need for labor. They would like to be loved for who they are, not for what they do. They’d like to be loved without worrying about whether he’s also being the provider or father or husband or leader or protector or leader or strongman. They’d like to not have to take such big risks, to put their heart on the line.
Side Note: This is how some of us misunderstand what women want and become “nice guys”, which is not a good thing to be. We think that, if we’re good people and follow the rules and do the right thing, women will be attracted to us. Like it’s a punch card or something–do ten good deeds and get a free girlfriend. That path leads to entitlement and resentment and incels and Andrew Tate. But relationships don’t work that way. You need to be more than a “good guy” to get a girl. Not be a girl-pleasing robot. Make sure you have a personality, sense of humor, likes and dislikes. Make sure you like the girl and not just the idea of a girl. And that means introverts like me are screwed. I’m sorry. Maybe that’s why we act like pets that need to be adopted.
So I told that story to tell you this one. All of that was preamble to my thesis for this article: you may have missed them, but there are romances for men.
They’re called “harem anime“.
Or you can call them “romantic fantasies”. Most are in the spec fic genre anyway, but some are realistic. All they basically are is stories where the woman loves the man for no reason. There’s a few of them in the American zeitgeist, but Japan has countless examples. Probably because the men in their culture are often shy and introverted, not risk-takers. When all the emotional ups-and-downs of a relationship seem like “do it or die alone”, you wish a girl would just fall into your lap (which, some of the time, literally happens). Bypass all that drama, get right to the good part.
Examples
Love Hina
The premise of this story is that Keitaro is a young man trying to get into Tokyo University. He needs to get into this particular university because he made a childhood promise to “the girl of his dreams” that they’d go to this college together. But he doesn’t remember who the girl was. Then he inherits a dorm full of girls from his grandmother and hijinks ensue.
Really only one of them is a viable candidate for a date. Two are kids. One’s a trickster/conman. One’s a samurai. This makes Keitaro and Naru (the girl on the right) the OTP and the only real threat is another girl who joins their cram sessions. Romantic rivalry is beyond the scope of this article, but the point is that Keitaro does nothing to attract these women. Most of the gags revolve around him accidentally falling into their boobs, then getting his ass kicked. But near the end, Naru realizes he’s a dorky guy, but dedicated, loyal, honest, and hardworking. The basic plain values of a basic plain guy.
Monster Musume
In this series, Kimihito has signed up to help with a cultural exchange program. The problem is that culture consists of “monster girls“. Lamias, harpies, mermaids–all those mythological creatures known for luring men to their deaths or eating them or what not. (I’m not sure why everyone’s so afraid–I never see the monster girls hurting anyone).
Kimihito keeps taking on girls until he’s got six (plus four on the side) and they all want to bang him, but he resists. Why? Because the law says if he has sex with any of them, they go back to their home country. Still, they all flirt with him mercilessly, fight each other for him, have their own nicknames for him. This results in a sort of “forced” obliviousness to their affections, a trope I’ve always been particularly fond of. Kimihito is always noble and respectful. He helps the girls with their problems (taking off the lamia’s shed skin, shopping for clothes with the giant oni, boosting the cyclops’s self-esteem, sewing on the zombie’s boobs). It’s the fantasy of “all these women want me, they love me unconditionally, and I did nothing to earn it.”
And if you’re wondering “Why monster girls? Why anthropomorphic animals?” then you need to take a hard look at Dracula, Loki, Disney’s Robin Hood, Beast, Jareth the Goblin King, and Alpha and Omega.
Katawa Shoujo
Katawa Shoujo means “Disabled Girls” (although “katawa” is more of a slur, closer to “cripple” or something like that). Your POV character is a boy with a heart condition going to a new school for people with chronic conditions. You get introduced to five different girls, each with a different handicap, and the gameplay is centered on choosing one and making the right decisions to get your relationship working.
And you can have sex with the girls. Kinky sex.
And by this point, you might be thinking “wow, how bad can taste can you get?” But the funny part is, it’s not like that at all. This VN takes great care to characterize each girl as an individual. They much more than their impairments. They have problems, quirks, hang-ups. They make mistakes. They have flaws. Each storyline has a bad ending and a good ending. And sometimes the good ending isn’t even that good, just like real life.
And although this is “harem”, you aren’t dating all five at once. Your in-story decisions lead to a specific girl’s “story route”. This thing has 490,000 words. They can’t all be about porn.
Other examples are Ah My Goddess!, Video Girl Ai, Ai Yori Yoshi, Tenchi Muyo!, Shampoo in Ranma 1/2, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. And these are just the ones I know about.
At this point you may have noticed sex and sexual appeal being a large factor in these works. Well, that’s because it’s aimed at men. And men are horny. I shouldn’t have to explain more than that–it’s a commonly accepted fact.
But that doesn’t mean it’s all porn all the time. It’s not. SOME of it might be porn. Some of it might just be titillation, like the cheesecake sexy pinup teasing of Final Fantasy X-2. But this is definitely not a fifteen-minute sex scene with 30 seconds of setup. This is ups and downs, conflicts and twists, tone and development. There’s a sequence of events here leading to a man and woman getting together at the end and declaring their love for each other. And then they have sex, yes.
But don’t pretend the same thing doesn’t happen in women’s romances. Men just have different… styles? Needs? Values? Preferences? Priorities? Instincts? I’m not sure what to call it. But men, primordially, like variety. They like enthusiasm. And they like taking it easy. That’s why the woman is the one seducing the man. Because, in addition to being introverted, we’re also very shy about sex. It might be a body thing or an inexperience thing, I’m not sure.
It should be no surprise to you that fan fiction is a big place for men-oriented romances. If they aren’t going to publish it for us, we’ll have to make it ourselves. (Wait, did I say “we”. I meant, them. Them.) And there’s a plethora of harem novels. You can tell by the covers that yes, there are sex scenes within and yes, it’s probably about several woman chasing one man. But both demonstrate romantic longings, meet-cutes, insecurities, obstacles to love, break-ups, and HEAs. And in the end, two people fall in love and bone.
And to prove that, here’s some of my favorite non-anime examples of men’s romances. It’s not like Japan has a lock on men’s romance fantasy.
Les Misérables
Specifically the musical. Specifically Eponine and Marius. Specifically Eponine’s unrequited love for Marius.
Poor girl. Started off as a spoiled brat, antagonist to the female hero, then riches-to-rags. The homeless girl who has a crush on the university student living in the same low-income housing. She likes him because he’s just being himself–smart, kind, respectful. But they live in the same kind of poverty so they have something in common. So kawaii!
What did Marius do to earn this love? Nothing. Plus he’s oblivious and only has eyes for Cosette, her opposite/rival. And what’s worse, Marius asks Eponine to bring them together! What tragedy!
She finally dies at the barricade, blocking a bullet meant for her beloved. Her love is so strong she gets a solo and then a duet. It’s so strong she comes back at the finale for no reason.
American Pie
(specifically the Michelle/Jim relationship)
Seeds of it were planted in the first movie as a one-off joke. Michelle appears to be the prom date consolation prize–a band geek who won’t shut up about band camp. But she’s aggressive and charged in the bedroom. Jim doesn’t have to do anything to provoke her into having sex with him. Then in the second movie, it’s a Cyrano thing as she teaches him “the moves” to land Nadia. But she ends up falling for him in the process. So we get both a nympho and a solid love–best of both worlds. (Plus it’s Alyson Hannigan.)
The Little Mermaid (1989)
It’s not what Eric did for Ariel that makes her fall in love with him. He was just being himself. He saves his dog from a burning shipwreck–who wouldn’t fall in love? So he’s strolling along and all of the sudden there’s this gorgeous naked girl on the beach who sure seems into him. He thinks he has to save himself for someone, but they hang out anyway (like Love Hina). Again, oblivious to her trying to entice him. Then realizes she was the one for him all along.
The Girl Next Door
It’s literally the title of the movie. The girl next door is a trope of a down-to-earth could-be-friend could-be-lover. But in this movie, she’s a porn star. So we have the increased lust combined with the wholesome affection. I still think about that line “Because I loved the way you looked at me” when he asks why she didn’t tell him. The “she’s out of your league but only has eyes for you” is a very male fantasy. Especially given the fact that she’s the one interested in him.
Splash
Another mermaid story. This time it’s Tom Hanks who finds a girl who loves him out of the blue. Why? I don’t know, but I’m not going to question it. It’s virtually the same story as The Little Mermaid just taking the male POV. And more yuppies. Her species is the thing that holds them back. The movie makes it out to be quite the taboo, akin to bestiality. It was the eighties so people were less progressive about body shape back then. I’ll tell you, it breaks my heart when they’re in the tank together and he rears back from her touch.
(Aside: I just rewatched this and when he’s talking about getting married, he mentions having to get a blood test. I forgot blood tests were a thing. When I was a kid, you had to do them before you got married and I still don’t know why.)
A Brief Digression
At this point, you might be seeing a pattern here that we call “Born Sexy Yesterday“. It’s when the woman is who’s not familiar with the world or culture and the man’s job is to educate or guardrail her. If there’s a language barrier to cross, it usually fixes itself by showing her night of television. You could do that in the eighties–E.T., Short Circuit, Splash, Earth Girls Are Easy, etc. Besides the example above, others utilizing this trope include The Fifth Element, Mannequin, Tangled, Chobits, Poor Things, Planet of the Apes, Wonder Woman, Alita: Battle Angel, Stranger Things.
Some call this trope anti-feminist because it infantilizes the woman, thus tracing closely to the orbit of pedophilia, colonialism, and sexism. It puts women in the role of serving men (many examples are gynoids) and gives the male lead all the agency, despite the fact that he might be the least qualified person to help this person. There’s a few gender-reversals too, like Edward Scissorhands, Big, and Hot Frosty.
And my response is, yes, exactly, you got it. That’s why we call it fantasy. It’s not for you. You could say the same thing about romance novels, that they’re misandrists because they give men impossible body standards and the expectation that they aren’t worthy mates unless they’re fit cowboys or billionaires willing to raise a stepchild.
For another, the reason it exists is because it taps into a trait men don’t get to show very often–nurturing. Men like projects. They want to help people get better. And this is a way to do that without the negatives of diapers and bedtime fights. I don’t think this is a case of “a baby you can have sex with”. I think it’s like “manic pixie dream girl” but gives the woman an excuse to be weird/eccentric. Or consider the “A Boy and his X” story, also thematic of nurturing.
Back to examples.
Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy VIII
I lumped these together because this article is long enough as it is, but each game features a different romance. And despite being games, the relationships are linear and unchangeable, like fate.
Squall is a skilled soldier, but cold and professional. He’s very distant from his emotions to the point where his bluntness is rude and off-putting. Anywhere else, this guy would be disregarded as a “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” asshole. But then comes Rinoa, who flirts with him first thing. When they first meet, she seizes him for a dance. She’s impulsive, outgoing, compassionate, and everything Squall is not. And it’s great to see their feelings toward each other develop over the course of a forty-hour game.
FF7 is a little different. The crux of the romantic subplot ping-pongs between two women–Tifa, the childhood friend, and Aeris, a spunky flower girl with a mysterious past. And Cloud is also taciturn, but looser than future incarnations make him into. He suppresses his emotions but out of shame, not fear. Aeris and Tifa teach Cloud how to open up and be less self-interested throughout the game. Plus, everyone gets along! They aren’t rivals with each other, they’re all friends. But the final twist is when one of these would-be suitresses dies midway through, creating a “what-could-have-been” afterfeeling.
Kevin and Winnie in The Wonder Years
I’ve talked about The Wonder Years before. When I was kid, nothing seemed more relatable or romantic than Kevin’s unrequited love for Winnie. And I thought all relationships should be like that. Then I rewatched as an adult with kids and went “Wooooah, this is NOT how it should be.” Kevin keeps doing the completely wrongest things to earn her love. Misogynist things. Narcissistic things. Either he’s a stalker standing outside her window or stewing in jealousy or gazing at her from afar expecting it to just happen. No flowers, no dates, it’s just the fact that she’s the closest girl to him.
Let the Right One In
Let’s get unconventional. This is another childhood romance story, but this one is with a vampire. One might ask “why are so many of these involving interspecies romance?” Mostly, it’s a “gentle femdom” kink without challenging masculinity (because they’re monsters, not human). Also novelty and the fact that many men aren’t comfortable around humans (see above comments about introversion). Hence the prevalence of mermaids and aliens and wooden mannequins, etc.
But this one gets weird. I’m not even sure if Eli is a girl or a boy or what’s going on down there. Did she get castrated? Is she trans? Is she just identifying as a girl for now so she can fade into society? And how does vampirism affect all this? But if you set questions aside, you see a story where a boy is just trying to go through his life, and gets entangled in the girl’s hot mess. They even “go steady” and have a third act break-up (leading to that awesome pool scene). But is she just using him as a new human liaison after losing her previous one? Or does she have actual affection for him?
Still better than Twilight.
Edward Scissorhands
Another unconventional relationship. Tim Burton says this is as close as he gets to any of his works being autobiographical, and I can see it. Weird goth kid living in clean suburbs, not fitting in. Perceived as dangerous, dark, disabled. Never sure what to do with his hands. He falls for his savior’s daughter, but she’s got an asshole boyfriend. And in the fantasy, she falls for him (I have no idea why–just because he’s willing to do anything she asks him to?) and he gets to kill the asshole. A classic tragic romance. Men tend to squirm away from tragedies, because that’s 90% of their life, given that they typically bear the burdens of rejection.
Here’s a bad example: 500 Days of Summer.
You could easily categorize this as a “romance for men”, and it is. But A) it falls completely flat and empty B) it doesn’t follow any of the conventions that better examples followed. I’m not saying it has to, but it also doesn’t deliver any viewer satisfaction. There is no chemistry between the two leads. Joseph Gordon-Levitt isn’t so much the issue as Zooey Deschanel, who has all the on-screen presence of a dead fish. Tin Man, Hitchhiker’s Guide, The Happening, Elf. At least her sister had the good sense to play a character matching her autism.
But the movie itself is no spring chicken either. It’s about a guy obsessing over a girl. Not romancing her or being romanced by her. It jumps around, so you don’t get a sense of it’s progression or development. This movie is all about Tom being selfish and obsessive. He sees her with an engagement ring after they break-up and has the nerve to be angry, like she was supposed to stop her life for him. Total self-centered douchebag. It’s hard to make JGL unlikable but they did it. People who like this are the same people who like Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.
This movie pushed the “manic pixie dream girl” into vernacular. It’s what you get when you try to make a romance for males using the same formula as a romance for females (e.g. Garden State, Sweet November). The man falls in love, but the girl is unattainable because she’s off in la-la-land or is dying of cancer or wasn’t paying attention because her headphones are blasting the new Moldy Peaches album on vinyl. She’s not there for love, she’s there to teach the man something, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. (Ooh, there’s a good idea for some fan fiction.)
Conclusion
Men are plenty interested in stories of love, but it’s got to be the flavor they prefer. If a woman likes ice cream and a man likes pizza, you can’t expect them both to go to the same shoppe. Both are good but taste is subjective. And no two humans have the same kinds.
In all the examples above (the good ones), the woman is carrying the burden of the emotional risks, the effort, the guesswork and postulations. She’s basically giving the man an “I like you” card, like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. That is a gift to a man worth all the flowers in the world.
