In another episode in “Eric Never Gets What He Wants”…
“[Canada] Bill’s longtime partner, George Devol, stumbled across Bill losing his shirt in a clearly rigged poker game. George tried to convince Bill to quit the game, arguing he couldn’t possible win. Bill famously retorted ‘I know it’s crooked, but it’s the only game in town’.”
When I read on Facebook that there was going to be a D&D Adventurer’s Guild at my local game shop, I was excited. Finally, a chance to play D&D, maybe make some friends. I love playing RPGs but I never get the chance because no one around me is like me. There is nothing so isolating as to have interests but no one around to share them.
I can’t get my family to play RPGs with me. They say they take too long. My wife says she’s not creative so she sits there like a lump letting the other players dominate her. And the kids, despite me seeing them having loads of imaginative fun, say they don’t like RPGs. They bought me the D&D Starter Set and the SWRPG Starter Set for past birthdays, yet who am I supposed to play with.
So I made every effort to attend this. I even had to call them out on Facebook for not posting the right phone number to reserve a spot.
So when I get there, I’m already worried, because there’s nothing but kids. That would be fine–there are plenty of good game-playing kids out there. But these weren’t them. These kids were being obnoxious. It’s like the parents just dropped them off for the day. It’s the same reason I quit the local “Gaming Society”–because it became a daycare.
So they stuck me with kids. Okay, take a breath. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This is a game for both kids and adults to play. And they do play it and enjoy it.
So I’m trying not to look like a creep, a forty-two-year-old man playing a game with middle schoolers — including the DM. There are:
1) An older kid who’s playing the stereotypically dumb barbarian orc. And it wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t so unpleasant about it. He’s literally playing the “I attack the darkness” guy. The kind who thinks it’s funny to burst into every room and break the game by attacking NPCs without provocation. I mean, he literally did that. You know why people make fun of that player/character? Because no one likes it. It interrupts the game and prevents players from doing what they want to do. It’s no fun to have five intelligent creatures and one with the intelligence and self-control of an ape.
2) A little girl who thought everything she or anyone else said was hilarious. And every now and then she’d make some kind of chirp-yell. And was obsessed with explosions. And shouted “tacos!” over and over, as if being weird translates to being funny. Played background music on her cell phone without being asked. Both she and the person above seemed to think the only way to communicate was by shouting.
3) A teen who had a speech impediment. Which is not his fault, and that alone wouldn’t have been bothersome. The problem was that his character was overpowered. I don’t know how it passed muster with the DM but he was playing a first-level warlock (which comes equipped with eldritch blast) AND a kraken deity who could manifest a tentacle as a bonus action to do 1d6 damage. That means he could potentially do 16 HP worth of damage in one hit.
4) A quieter kid who probably would have been a fine player if he weren’t being dominated by the others. Poor guy couldn’t have been more than ten. And his character was a first-level warlock/bard which meant A) he could do neither role well and B) got overshadowed by the other warlock. He kept trying to do “vicious mockery” on everyone.
5) Our DM, who was inexperienced, unconfident, and let himself get walked on by the players. He kept having to re-read the adventure, didn’t notify players when it was their turn, and couldn’t illustrate the setting/story/experience. There were no in-game consequences for any of the dumb actions. He seemed content to let chaos reign. As a result, we got a dull paint-by-numbers adventure.
Any of these kids would have been tolerable on their own. A drop in the bucket amongst polite company. But all they wanted to do was roll dice. You want that, go to Vegas. If you want to do nothing but fight people, go play a video game.
I’m trying really hard not to say “they were playing D&D wrong” because there is no “right way” to play it. If you want to gain power, do that. If you want to explore, do that. If you like the dice rolling part, do that. But the way these guys were playing just made it so un-fun for me.
Here I am, a 42-year-old man playing a game with a bunch of middle schoolers. Even I know it’s creepy. I can’t imagine what the kids thought. But I’m not the DM so I wasn’t (supposed to be) the one with the authority. I kept trying to stick up for him so he could lead us, but no one listened to me. He’s trying to build the world, our background, our motivating factors, the bonds that make us a team. But no, they’d all rather make stupid jokes only they find funny. Just because you’re loud doesn’t mean you’re right.
That’s the problem we’ve got with society today. People think the biggest issues are “woke” companies, the “homosexual agenda”, immigrants, abortion, Bud Light, and racist statues. But if you look at the numbers, only a small percentage of people are making a fuss. You just hear about them because they’re the loudest. They’ve got a whole channel dedicated to these things, but has anyone truly looked at their viewership. Look at the right-wing rallys and the Trump inauguration–pathetic numbers. They know they’re in the minority. So to compensate, they make themselves the loudest.
This is what kids are learning–if you’re not being heard, scream real loud. Then you’re your own majority. Forget those good kids who follow the rules, who make good points but make them rationally and calmly because the evidence speaks for itself. No — scream real loud. If no one else hears you, at least you’ll hear yourself. You get your own personal echo chamber.
Why can’t I find some normal people to play with? People who like building the story, like seeing your character grow. The DM is not your opponent, he’s another player. You’re all working together to craft an experience and tell an interesting story.
So what the hell am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to find people to play with? Go out and gather a motley crew like Ocean’s Eleven? I don’t have the charisma of George Clooney. You need sales experience, business acumen, because you’re essentially trying to convince people to do something they don’t want to do.
Besides, if you organize the game, you have to become the DM. And I don’t always want to be the DM. I want to make a character and watch him/her grow into something powerful, something changed. But after this experience, I’m starting to think I’d rather be the DM than a player in a poorly-run game. If my character can’t shine, I might as well be the narrator.
This event is set to happen every month. And the players will change and the DMs will gain experience. So next time might be different. I don’t know where the adults are. They probably already found their D&D groups, in college or high school, and are playing happily with them. Meanwhile, those of us who didn’t have that opportunity are stuck with the dregs.
But like I said, it’s the only game in town.
