So it’s been about two weeks since I lost my job. Well, I didn’t lose it, my contract ended. The problem is, this is December, the worst time for job-searching, and I’m only getting paychecks until this Friday. The company I’m working for had me under a Salaried Professional System, but they can’t find a job for me and they haven’t been trying hard. So it’s been up to me to search for a job, with only two weeks notice before I lose my current one. And it’s not looking likely I’ll find one before the end of the year, but we’ll see. My point is I haven’t done any writing for two weeks.
Not that I’m complaining. It’s been basically a paid vacation for me. Been playing Star Wars: Knights of the Republic. I’ve been thinking about the story, but I can’t say I’ve been missing it. It’s in my mind, but job searching/dinking around at home has been taking priority. I guess this means that, unless I have a really extended break from working, I wouldn’t write if I could. Or maybe I’m just recharging. Either way, it seems I’m that guy from Office Space who, if he didn’t work, would “do nothing”. But I can’t fill my life with “nothing” for that long. Or can I? I used to say that if I didn’t write, I would just be a sponge. Always taking, never doing, never producing anything to help society. Being a lazy bum who ate bad food and laid around like my dogs.
I just hate working. And I hate that I hate working. I have a high-paying job, lots of experience. But I’m so sick of doing nothing at work, just sitting idle, trying to fill my time with the company web blocker limiting my options. I hate dealing with all the other contractors and consultants that sound like they’re on quaaludes and so worried about being deported they won’t ever speak up when something’s wrong. In other words, I have no co-workers who are charismatic, or who I’d want to be around. Just the managers. And they’re all doing their manager stuff with projects and finances and so forth.
Everyone wants me to be a manager. That seems to be the only way to make any advancements in my career, and I’m mid-career. It would suck to be stagnating as a developer for the next sixteen years. But I have no experience being a manager and I have a terrible track record of being a leader. I have no charisma myself. I have no confidence in myself. And if no one gives me the chance to lead, how am I supposed to learn. I was supposed to do some leading in my last job, but they seemed to drop the ball on that.
It’s a pretty sad Christmas when you don’t have a job and don’t know where your next paycheck’s going to come from. My wife can’t go skiing this Christmas break because we’re working “on a tight budget”. That’s a shot to the heart. So I’ve got to work. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. But I still haven’t found any company that I like. They all either treat me like a number or never improve their technology. That’s why I’m hoping consultancy gives me the variety I need. If something sucks, at least I won’t be there much more than a year (usually).
Maybe I’ll look at doing some freelance writing for money this Christmas break. I’ve always been curious about that. Not that it’s going to take the place of my current job, but it’d be a nice supplement. And a nice thing to try out. Maybe I can moonlight during times I’m bored at work. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
