25 Favorite Tweets

If you have a cake, you can always eat it too.

What the fuck is everyone talking about?
— Tony Goldmark (@tonygoldmark) April 19, 2016

Love is when you walk in and your cat immediately rolls over and starts purring before you even do anything. Love.
— justice for dragons (@TheWire2) April 27, 2016

@tonygoldmark One of the oldest debates in America: the role of the state in life. Liberty vs. Security. "Freedom To" vs. "Freedom From"
— Kall Kylegren (@KyleKallgren) May 4, 2016

I don't have the solution. I just know when I had a gun pulled on me, I didn't think, "I wish I had a gun." I thought, "I wish he didn't."
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 23, 2016

1998:
– Don't get in strangers' cars
– Don't meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
— Carol (Nichols || Goulding) (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016

Dating me is like: pic.twitter.com/nypF1pVS4v
— Mermaid Problems (@Mermaid_Problem) July 10, 2016

Today your Twitter experience comes complete with this dog's pizza related nervous breakdown pic.twitter.com/q1nIJc5l76
— Ash Warner (@AlsBoy) July 11, 2016

.@JacksonJinson Laughter is like hypnosis. Hell, fuck similes – laughter IS a mild form of hypnosis. And you can't hypnotize the unwilling.
— Tony Goldmark (@tonygoldmark) July 15, 2016

.@JacksonJinson If one is absolutely DETERMINED not to laugh at a movie, the funniest movie in the world won't crack their smile.
— Tony Goldmark (@tonygoldmark) July 15, 2016

Hollywood will never stop making reboots. But they WILL stop making movies about female heroes. You're not upholding some noble ideal.
— Lauren Faust (@Fyre_flye) July 16, 2016

Now, more than ever the phrase "Trumpy, you can do stupid things!" is relevant. #MST3K #Election2016
— Brian Heinz #StopTheBans (@InGeekWeTrust) July 30, 2016

"oh yeah well how would you like it if we remade lady movies with MEN"
"oh man good idea let's make channing tatum a mermaid"
"wait that's n
— Scott James Taylor (@effseedee) August 1, 2016

The alternate ending I'm hoping for: pic.twitter.com/Bu7TJpjYAS
— Mermaid Problems (@Mermaid_Problem) August 9, 2016

1870:
Man: My wife, whom had 4 babies and 0 orgasms this year, and is not allowed to vote, cries a lot
Doctor: Obviously she is insane.
— Mmm? (@Merman_Melville) July 31, 2016

When you're writing a scene about characters going from one place to another and then go "screw it" and start the scene with them arriving.
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) August 25, 2016

Things native English speakers know, but don't know we know: pic.twitter.com/Ex0Ui9oBSL
— Matthew Anderson (@MattAndersonNYT) September 3, 2016

“I was taking a law school admissions test in a big classroom at Harvard. My friend and I were some of the only…" pic.twitter.com/SYAlpkVRDA
— Brandon Stanton (@humansofny) September 8, 2016

#PeopleLikeMeBecause pic.twitter.com/78gAhEnr2p
— Hulk (@GreenRageMonstr) September 21, 2016

You know what you do when you live political activism? Argue with everyone. Know what that does? Means you don't know who your friends are.
— 𝕮𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙 𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖚𝖑𝖆 🔞 (@Count_Jackula) October 8, 2016

My body becomes sexual when I am turned on, not when you are.
— Emily Sears (@emilysears) February 21, 2016

Nurse: We can give you an elixir of…
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Don't you want to know what it is?
Me: I'm a fantasy author. You had me at "elixir."
— Pat Rothfuss (@PatrickRothfuss) November 23, 2016

White family conflict over Turkey is good. It's not about the racist uncle u can't change. It's about the young cousins who are watching
— ChuckModi (@ChuckModi1) November 24, 2016

Funny you should ask. @johngreen is handling that for us. He's got a lot of experience in the area. https://t.co/z5jS6QdPcb
— Pat Rothfuss (@PatrickRothfuss) December 2, 2016

Pac-Man: Take it all off, baby.
Ms. Pac-Man (removes bow): Like this?
Pac-Man: …
Ms. Pac-Man: Is something wr-
Pac-Man: PUT IT BACK ON.
— Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) December 7, 2016