marvel logo

Let’s Laugh at the Guy Who Doesn’t Know Marvel Comics (Part 3)


When the Venom symbiote had some kind of offspring, it attached to a Hannibal Lecter-dangerous serial killer and became Carnage — a super-energized, more agile Venom. I was first exposed to him in the Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage and thought this was an awesome villain, one that no one seems to remember. Same powers as Venom but quite a bit more wispy and agile. Still vulnerable to sound.


A giant Russian man who can transform his body to metal (not sure if that’s skin or whole body). Reminds me of Ivan Drago. “I must break him.” I think he’s Kitty Pryde’s boyfriend, but I imagine that must be difficult. He’d rip her apart.


The X-Men leader that no one likes, which gives Wolverine more star power. Cyclops has no charisma, no “thing” except for being a love rival with Jean Grey, making the stupidest and most loveless love triangle since Neo/Trinity/audience. He can shoot laser beams from his eyes, but has to wear a special mask to control the beam’s intensity, or anything he looks at will be burnt to toast or vaporized to milkshake. Boo-ring.

Damage Control Guy

I’m not sure if this guy’s a real character or was just created for the game. He looks like the construction workers from The Lego Movie.  Why would you ever want to play as him?


Whoever he is, he’s much better than the Ben Affleck movie. He fights people with some sweet martial arts moves and his stick. Reminds me of Robin from Teen Titans. They call him “the man without fear”, but he doesn’t seem to have any power that affects that. He’s just blind. And I’m not sure the accident that made him blind also gave him his powers or not. Or he just developed them. Also, his mask still has eyeholes for some reason. I know that helps keep his identity secret (who’s that superhero around our neighborhood with the eyeless mask? I wonder if it’s the blind guy that lives nearby), but there are still better costume choices. Why use a cowl that exhibits facial features? Why not do all black, like a ghost? And why Daredevil? The Satanic vibe confuses me if he’s a hero or villain.


Deadpool narrates all the side missions and is generally the anti-superhero. Twin guns, twin swords, and twin personalities. He talks to himself, breaks the fourth wall, obsesses over tacos, and loves general chaos. He’s witty like Spider-Man and has similar powers to Wolverine, except I think he somehow got cancer, so his body is covered in scars. That’s why he’s always masked. But he holds no reverence for anything. You can never tell what he’s going to do. His Ultimate Spider-Man episode has to be seen to believed. And if half his antics are filmmable, this guy is going to make one kickass movie. Possibly a paradigm shift to the grimdarks we keep getting.

Doctor Octopus

A guy accidentally got four robo-arms implanted in his spine and it drove him insane, I guess. Personally, I think this is one of the most creative villains ever cooked up by Marvel. Extra limbs means extra punching, and he makes a fine foe for Spider-Man. Much better than the Green Power Ranger Goblin (and all his many clones). You’d think the video game would let you operate more than one limb at a time.

Doc Ock (Ultimate)

This is where it gets weird. I don’t know what Ultimate is, but somehow Doctor Octopus turned into Ozzy Osbourne. I got to wonder what this guy’s story is in the comics. Is he a hippie/John Lennon type? Does he deal drugs instead of make mad scientist machines?

Doctor Doom

This guy is the main foe of the Fantastic Four. His power is electricity/lightning, which I guess counters the Four, unless they all work together. Also, besides being a technological genius he’s the king of a fictional country called Latveria (which is too close to Latvia for my taste), which means he mostly gets away with crimes or extradition thanks to diplomatic immunity. Personally, I think he’s one of the stupidest villains I’ve seen. He’s the guy that made comic books so silly, when they started having villains like this, that were made of metal and shot lightning and proclaimed “I shall be your DOOM!”

Doctor Strange

This is not the name of a progressive rock band, as I once thought. He seems to be a guy who has magic powers, but I have no idea how he got them, who he fights, or what his origin is. I think he was a doctor, but I’m not sure what’s so strange about him. I think it would be better if he was some kind of amorphous being like The Unknown Soldier or faceless like Magneto. His costume looks like a D & D sorcerer’s, but his mustache screams “Knight Rider”.

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.