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Scream 4 Is So Sad It Needs to Justify Itself

Scream 4 is apparently a thing. Here is the trailer.

Please take note of the line near the end: “There’s something really scary about a guy with a knife who just… snaps.”

Uh, no. No, there isn’t. What’s scary is getting killed by a girl in a TV after watching a short film that’s now strangely coming to life. Scary is being forced into a set of devious traps and medieval torture devices that kill you, your friends, and anyone else in horribly ironic ways. Scary is found footage of a wife possessed by a demon, brutally murdering her husband while you can’t even really see what’s going on. Scary is zombies, kid vampires (Let the Right One In, not Twilight), and that which you have no power over (The Mist, The Descent, Final Destination).

Scary is good writing.

Come on, do you really expect to get anywhere writing the same movie? Same cast, same crew, same disaffected teenagers talking around a fountain, same phone calls in the kitchen, same hot teenagers with cleavage, same predictable fake-outs, same movie nerds talking about “the rules”. You know where else they talk about the rules? On daytime talk shows like The View and The Wendy Williams Show.

One Scream was enough. Scream was a meta-movie commenting a bit about the old slasher films of the 80’s. I didn’t even really like it that much, all it did was retread on the footprints of Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers. And what do Scream 2 and 3 do? Comment on Scream. And now what’s Scream 4 supposed to accomplish, besides make money for little to no effort? I love that the trailer has to tell you what you’re supposed to be scared of. Like the movie’s justifying its existence.

But you’re right, movie. The rules have changed. And you’re no longer relevant. You’re a football player wearing a leather helmet. I hope your film tanks.

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

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