For those who don’t know, I’m also on Twitter (@theWallflower00). I don’t tweet very often, but I like reading them when I need to kill some time. And there’s a lot of wisdom and humor that gets thrown away into the oblivion of the Internet. I just favorited my fiftieth tweet, so I thought I’d kill some time and share the ones that tickled my fancy.
Archaeologists now believe the Mayans were only warning us about the MOVIE 2012.
Fake AP Stylebook
Avoid overuse of commas, as our insurance doesn’t cover that kind of long-term care.
Favre will be announcing his decision in a month long special on ESPN called ESPN.
Maybe we’ll discover that all dinosaurs are actually Triceratops in various pupal, larval, and adult stages.
If Favre was cool he’d land in ‘Sota, grab two beers, take the slide down and yell “I’m back, motherf*ckers!”
Fake AP Stylebook
Strunk & White sure were a couple of dicks, weren’t they?
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. MARK TWAIN
Rules for online dating photos- Women must stand on a scale holding that days news paper. Men must stand in front of a 7-11 door w/ paystub
If I had a million GP, I’d buy you a Vorpal sword (but not a cursed Vorpal sword, ’cause that’s cruel.)
THIS TUESDAY MOVE SLOWER THAN GOOGLE WAVE!
Using a fax machine is easy. First get in your time machine and go back to 1983, then ask your secretary to do it for you.
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. KURT VONNEGUT
@wilw I’ve seen it about a hundred and sixty seven times, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT. (in reply to
Wil Wheaton: Spending a lazy Sunday morning watching Beetlejuice, one of my favorite movies of all time.)
Dear Yankees: Ha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHA! Ha. Ha. Ha. Hahahahahaha. Ha. Ha! Hahaha! Ha … My best, Wil
If NFL receiver Terrell Owens called timeout during overtime, it would be a TO TO in OT. Who says I don’t know football?
4 Halloween,daughter’s going as Katy Perry from her sexually inappropriate video & I’m going as a apathetic dad who can’t set boundaries
OMG Facts SEX
34% of first kisses happen at a party.
Fake NaNoWriMo Tips
Remember, it’s the Great AMERICAN Novel. Keep walking, Norwegians.
Why does Glee work but Cop Rock didn’t?
The Dark Lord
The reason the world is so screwed up is that people can’t appreciate that the villian in your personal story is the hero in their own.
Two choices for rom-com girls: free-spirited artist afraid to commit until tamed by love or uptight, cold, career lady too focused on work.
Ninety-nine percent of the world’s lovers are not with their first choice. That’s what makes the jukebox play. WILLIE NELSON
If “Deep Blue Sea” taught us anything about hyper-intelligent army-trained sharks, it’s that only L.L. Cool J is safe.
Funny Or Die
Superdome + Thunderdome = Metrodome
When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.
Congrats to Favre on his first consecutive stop.
Currently shipping: WALL-E and Johnny 5.
Safest job in showbiz? The Fox NFL Sunday Dancing Robot. That thing cannot be fired.
Funny Or Die
People will let you down. A sandwich won’t. And yet…people make sandwiches. Life’s big questions are tough.
Green Hornet bombing. But don’t today’s kids love 1930s radio shows? Does this mean Fibber McGee & Molly reboot is off?
I found Batman with Adam West is more enjoyable when you pretend it’s a documentary about a rich schizophrenic and his gay friend.
Turns out unwritten screenplays are ineligible for Oscars. If not for this technicality I totally would’ve been nominated!
Showing Athena “Blade II.” Because the only time a vampire should sparkle is when it disintegrates.
Surgery on Charlie Sheen’s abdomen will be first time the phrase “side splitting” is associated with “Two & A Half Men.”
US Dietary Guidelines say cut salt. I say bullshit! I’d say more, but pain in my chest & left arm making it hard to type.
Don’t wear fur! Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
We learn from history that we do not learn from history. GEORGE FRIEDRICH WILHELM HEGEL
I sneezed on my kindle and therefore every page of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.
My new iPad is going to completely revolutionize the way I constantly mention my new iPad!