gremlins gizmo santa hat

Hey, Goat Boy? Remember the Gremlins?

Hey, do you remember Gremlins? Oh sure, it was a cute little comedy-horror movie from the 80’s. Written by Chris Columbus, directed by Joe Dante, and produced by Stephen Spielberg–how can you lose? Cute, merchandisable Gizmo gives birth to a town’s worth of ugly, scaly guys who mess up traffic lights, watch old Disney movies, and catapult old ladies into the yard.

Okay, good, you remember. If you don’t, Netflix it. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

For those of you still with me, remember that scene where Phoebe Cates is in the bar serving all the Gremlins? They’re making a mess of everything, throwing popcorn everywhere, hanging from the ceiling fan, playing poker in the back, smoking. Acting like gremlins usually do, right? Okay, exactly what was the scenario when those gremlins walked into the bar? Did Phoebe Cates just stand there, watching these two-foot tall alien guys traipsing in. Did one climb up to the stool as she’s cleaning the bar with a rag and she said “What can I get you?”

Really? That really happened? She didn’t run away screaming like, apparently, the rest of the bar staff? She thought it would be a good idea to stick around? Maybe the gremlins tip well. Oh no, wait, they don’t have wallets. They don’t have pockets. They’re all naked. Maybe she thought they all were Mr. Futterman. He is kind of small with a troll-like appearance. Like Al Bundy’s older brother.

Did she hate herself enough that she hoped these monsters would kill her if she played waitress for them? I mean she does bring up that story where her dad died climbing down the chimney as Santa Claus and no one found him for days. She must have that on her mind 24/7. She brings it up every first date.
I mean, let’s imagine this. You’re working at a bar, it’s late, no one’s there because it’s Christmas. You’re all alone. Suddenly, the door opens, the little bell tines. Oh, we have a customer. The door opens, but no one comes in. Until you look down, and you see a lizard walking on two feet, with a reptilian cat face, big long ears, and claws. It walks in, and so do forty of its buddies. They smoke, they drink, they dance, they tear the place apart. Do you A) run screaming into the night B) call the police C) call animal control D) scotch and sodas all around?

These are the things I think about when I’m mowing the lawn.

P.S. Also, why does water make gremlins multiply, but the snow does nothing.

P.P.S. Also, in Gremlins 2, they have a building with an infinite supply of water. Why didn’t they breed enough so that they were bursting out the window?

BONUS: Here’s an awesome fan-created video of what would have happened if the film break that takes place in the middle of Gremlins 2 was changed for DVD.

Eric Juneau is a software engineer and novelist on his lunch breaks. In 2016, his first novel, Merm-8, was published by eTreasures. He lives in, was born in, and refuses to leave, Minnesota. You can find him talking about movies, video games, and Disney princesses at where he details his journey to become a capital A Author.

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